From One Extreme to The Other

Ah, the struggle of the right identity. At least I am settled for the moment that though I think this will be a battle for the long haul while I am here on Earth, I am no longer kicking myself in the head (or any other body part) when the struggle appears. In some moments, I feel so wonderfully overwhelmed with the security of who and what I am in Christ, and a nearness that is fantastic. Exhibit A from this week: I present two pieces of an email exchange with Mr. Tony, who is back in Africa, plugging away at bringing ministry training to people in the remotest areas of Uganda and Sudan. Our snippets below.

Part of an email from Kathie to Tony:

"Thanks, too, for all the kindness and care you have shown me since we met in Janaury 2007. As I navigate this year, God is unfolding a new closeness with him that I appreciate so much. I know that in many ways, meeting you and our life experience together has caused me to see God in ways that are so much more personal and real than I have experienced before. I am so blessed by the Father and by having had you in my life in a special way to open my heart to more and more of Him. Thank you for sharing your heart and yourself--you made an impact in my life and my relationship with the Father that I never would have expected."

Part of Tony's email back:

"I have also learned a lot by the way from you. God showed me how much He cares for me regardless of who and what I am through you! He taught me how to open my heart and my hands widely for those who need His touch and care. You never left me the same my dear! You can't even comprehend enough what the Lord has done to me through you in the course of our relationship. I will live to respect you and be very grateful to you and to God that I found you and it wasn't coincident. It seems the Lord had seen something beyond the relationship and He wanted to use our relationship to draw both of us much closer to Himself! You are such a blessed and wonderful creature God has ever made on planet earth! It is my prayer the He accomplishes all that He has designed you for as you serve Him in this mortal world.

May His face shine upon you and bless you and protect you all the days of your life! May he fight your enemies and be close to you even at the moment you may feel lonely. May He make you a blessing and you shall be called the blessed one!"

Seriously--does it get much better than that? Being able to look back after dreams have been shifted and hearts have been bared and new realities have been faced? To see God's deep care in all of that was so sweet this week. It was a reminder that one of the most extraordinary things to come out of the last 18 months for me has been the acknowledgment and acceptance of being cherished by God just as I am. Between friends and family who have been telling me and praying for me for years about this issue, and Tony's stunning patience with waiting for me to believe how he felt about me just as I was, sunlight broke through. The window certainly gets dusty, mind you, but sunlight is in, and it's joy, joy, joy.

Then, at moments, the other voice kicks in. The stupid, worried one that suddenly did care, after weeks of not, that I am going to my 20-year reunion quite chubby. I am not worried about the friends who have been in my inner circle for the entire 20 years since graduation; I woke up Saturday morning suddenly very concerned about what the people who have not seen me for 10 years, and will not see me for at least 10 more, will think. What is that? Even as recently as Friday afternoon I was actually looking forward to going, and perhaps just having one really nice conversation, and seeing what God might be up to in some people's lives. That would be cool. What happened overnight?

In my heart, I really want to be someone who loves people well, no matter how long or little I have known them or how often I see them. I want to be less and less aware of me, and more aware of others, hearing their hearts and listening as best I can. I was looking forward to some good listening at the reunion, with as little self-awareness as possible. I think I have that perspective back today, as I remember one on my new favorite verses from The Message:

Romans 2:9-11 (emphasis mine)

If you go against the grain, you get splinters, regardless of which neighborhood you're from, what your parents taught you, what schools you attended. But if you embrace the way God does things, there are wonderful payoffs, again without regard to where you are from or how you were brought up. Being a Jew won't give you an automatic stamp of approval. God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up his own mind.

Hooray! Just gotta remember where my love comes from and who the real judge is. And it turns out He already thinks I was lovely enough to rescue :)