The Chasing

I am homesick for home. Of course, I now also have this weird thing where I am homesick for Kenya, Uganda, Lebanon, etc. Seeing a video of some of my June Kenya trip yesterday reminded me how much I am missing some folks.

I had a cool moment in church this morning, though, where I was suddenly grateful to be slightly discontent with who and where I am. Of course I should be discontent-this is not my home! Duh! I do forget this sometimes, and then the energy goes into trying to make the current location nice and smooth. How silly--and how wonderful and freeing to be reminded that sometimes I am silly, and it's grand to have a holy discontentment.

Freedom is my new excitement word: I need it. I need it like I need grace. I need freedom to think things and wonder things and be honest before God. He is making it happen. That's cool.

As I pondered a few weeks ago how to draw more strength for this too-big ministry work I am in, and how to be okay asking God once again whether this is where I am to be, he led me to Paul's lovely words to the Ephesians in 3:7-13 (emphasis mine):

I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power. Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory

Fed me for the day. Which is the key to daily bread, I imagine.

Also, I have wanted to say for weeks how I LOVE that in this sweet circle of folks in this funny little blogging thing we do, our collective discontent is not about our cash flow, and our longings are not for mansions and jewels. It is for peace, for one another, and for more and more of Jesus. For many of us, our biggest struggles are with our longings to be nearer to Him, in presence and in likeness.

We know that Psalm 84:10 is true:

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.

We love Psalm 27:4:

One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

A friend and I chatted in church this morning about God's beauty, the reality of who He is, being the only thing that is powerful enough to keep us longing to be true to Him, and powerful enough to slay us where we stand and cause us to let his light chase out our darkness. So awesome.

Glad to live here with you, dear ones.

And we are different

On reading 1 Samuel 8 / March 11, 1999

Walter Brueggemann

On Reading Romans 8

I have heard sermons and read books on certain topics, and sometimes I take in what is suggested so completely that it eliminates other truths. Things like "all we do should be for God's glory" make perfect sense to me, but sometimes it pushes out other things.

Last Tuesday was hideous because I felt completely defeated by my inability to accept God's love, or even begin to understand a wink of it, beyond His generosity in not wiping my sorry self off the face of the planet. I was almost incapacitated by the emptiness I woke up with at 3:30 that morning--almost incapacitated, but also angry. Angrier than I have ever felt, I think. I was sick to death of not comprehending in even the tiniest way this core part of God's character. I can't get over this brick wall in my core that says that all joy waits until after this life--unbiblical as that is. What made it worse was that I felt I had gotten a glimpse of it in March and April--where the hell did it go? Say that sentence with a lot of venom, and you have me in the wee hours of the morn last week.

I went to work 90 minutes later than usual, because I felt like I could not move--and if I did, what was the point? I cried the whole 2 1/2 hours I was in the office, I felt so frustrated and defeated. God bless my amazing brother for being a patient, loving voice in a Google chat that morning, gently pointing out all kinds of things my vision is skewed about, including spiritual attacks--geez, I miss him. And right about the time I decided I couldn't stand to be at work one more moment, he recommended I go home and just rest in Jesus and try to let some things soak over me. So at noon I left.

I also had a very quick text chat with Tony before I shut down the computer, and in that I asked him to pray for me, but did not want to take the time to explain the specifics of why. As I drove home, he called my cell and wanted to know what was going on so he could pray more effectively. I pulled over next to a bunch of cows and tried to keep it short. I explained quickly that I was struggling to understand God's love for me, and I can't figure out how to get out of "performance" mode, even though I know it's theologically unsound. And that it made me feel so awful I had to leave work. He suggested I spend some time in Romans 8. And God bless Tony, who does not say, in the midst of my sniffling, "My dear, I am here in the jungle of Sudan trying to run a training workshop, with a horrific case of typhoid, so sick I can barely function. And your problem is what?"

Romans 8:1-4, (NLT) with parts that struck me late last Tuesday night, the end of a wretched day, in bold...

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit

Here's what came to me suddenly, suddenly, just before midnight on Tuesday.
___________

I bought that "it's not about me."
I bought it so completely that I wiped myself off the map.

I bought that "it's about God's glory."
I bought it so completely that I figured that this means nothing for me, except salvation, and I am selfish to want anything. That somehow I am selfish to wish for anything except to be a tool, a means, an invisible stone on the path to more people seeing Christ.

This is why there is no love in my schema.

If it's not about me, but all about Him, I need to adore Him, but not need anything in return—not even love.

Where is the relationship, the fullness between, or in, the truths of "God's glory" and "God so loved"?

That's why the family love and human child metaphors don't always work for me to understand God's love. People ask how I can struggle so much with this when I have a family that loves me so dearly, and I don't doubt their love. I know it's not about Mom and Dad's glory, so I am not a tool to something. I know Michael and Joanna don't want their kids to worship them.

God is different.

But similar.

How?

I need freedom. Freedom to say I want to be loved by the Creator. I want a life with someone. I want to know what Tony means to me. I want God to know all the brokenness in me and still love me. I want Tony to know all the brokenness in me and still love me.

I want to know God's voice when I hear it. I want to trust it when I do. I want to trust Him when He's quiet.
____________

It was a better night's sleep. And it was a better week. And God has been faithful to just keep dosing this new insight a little more each day. The view is shifting a little at a time. Things like Romans 8:15-17 (CEV)...

God's Spirit doesn't make us slaves who are afraid of him. Instead, we become his children and call him our Father. God's Spirit makes us sure that we are his children. His Spirit lets us know that together with Christ we will be given what God has promised. We will also share in the glory of Christ, because we have suffered with him.

Thanks for letting me share. See, Liann? The dimmer is only there on the Sluss once in a while--I am still so extreme. Pray for the dimmer to get firmly planted in me, so I can see all the shades in things, not just the light off or on. That I will start to thrive in relationship view, not right or wrong view. I want to see lots of facets of the face of God at once--not just a myopic view of one at a time.

I trust it will come.

Hugs all around.

For Ornery's Wife...

Do I know Rick and Rebecca? :)

Here's a picture from April 2003 in Moscow. I had just joined MAF in January of 2003, and this was my first overseas ministry trip. I met Rick and Rebecca, who, even though I stayed in a flat close to the office and not in their apartment, were wonderful, amazing hosts.

The picture is at the oldest conservatory in Moscow. It was the 100 birthday celebration of Armenian composer Aram Khachaturian, who composed the "Sabre Dance", just one movement from one of his ballets in a huge list of works. He also composed pieces specifically to inspire the Russian army during WWII. It was one of the most moving concerts I've ever been to.

I fell in love with Rebecca's Armenian cooking, and got to spend an evening with her at The Bolshoi seeing La Sylphide. It was brilliant. They are tied into the ministry thrust that I am with at MAF (Learning Technologies--we provide training and resources for pastors in remote parts of the world), so we stay in touch. In fact, I just got to see Rick when he came to Idaho for a few days in July to meet with our team and another colleague about the opportunities opening to serve in Siberia. It was a good visit.

Thank you so much for your encouraging comments, and please forgive me for taking so long to post. It's been a month of busyness, new things, and a slightly self-imposed exile from the world so I could find my brain and heart again. I am so glad for this "chance" meeting! The day that you posted, my mom was here for a visit from California, and we talked in the afternoon about everyone's blogs; she asked what it was like when someone "new" posted comments--was it weird? I talked about the serendipity of people finding blogs that interest them. We went to dinner that night, and when I came home, I checked my blog and you had posted your comment asking about MAF and Rick and Rebecca. I yelled down the hall to my mom, "Hey! Remember that 'strangers on a blog' question? Sometimes people aren't really strangers! Check this out!"

And hello to everyone else, as well :) I am still alive, and being hounded by Liann to blog. I'm getting back up to speed.