I Reckon It's a Reckoning

From My Utmost for His Highest tonight:

"And Peter...walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid." Matthew 14:29-30

The wind was actually boisterous, the waves were actually high, but Peter did not see them at first. He did not reckon with them, he simply recognized his Lord and stepped out in recognition of Him, and walked on the water. Then he began to reckon with the actual things, and down he went instantly.

I have not written anything in here for over a week not for lack of things to write about or things going on, but rather for the over-abundance of them. It has been 12 days of spiritual and emotional exhaustion. Ever have those stretches where every blessed moment feels like a revelation of some kind?

I am wiped out.

The good news about that tonight, as I sit on my bed and type, hunched over in a way that will give me a backache very shortly (but I have no desire to sit anywhere else), is that I think God worked specifically to get to me to this point in order to face this week, and this coming weekend.

This week will be crazy busy at work, for about 23 reasons that I won't take the time to list. Suffice it to say that when I even think of tomorrow, Monday morning, I want to faint dead away and have someone wake me up in three weeks. I know this week holds a list of activities and people that I cannot keep up with while maintaining an attractive attitude of patience. None of the tasks or people are bad--it's just a lot. And all of it has deadlines.

Then comes Saturday. Liann and I are hurling ourselves into a car to arrive at the airport by 5:30 a.m. to catch a flight to Boise. It's time for my home-finding trip. I have until Wednesday afternoon to find an apartment or house or condo or whatever to move into a month from now, and lots of people to connect with while I am in the area. I cannot express how grateful I am to Liann for coming to help--whew. I can't imagine doing this alone.

Liann sat with me tonight and we made a list of things I would like in my new place to live. This is no small task for someone who has forgotten how to express an opinion to the Lord about anything. In the balance of expressing my heart and wanting His will, somewhere along the line I ditched the dealings with my heart. I think it's a pretty short trip for you to figure out what that has done to my prayer life. Pppbbbtthhhhh. Dry and parched may start to cover it.

It did dawn on me last week, though, that in many of the stories that melt my heart about the Lord, people's needs were meet very specifically, and many times we know it because of what they asked for in prayer. And I know you know me better than to think I am talking about "Where's my new Hummer?" kind of prayers. I mean those that can involve real, material things, but that are really about bigger issues in our hearts.

My big issue right now is leaving. I have fought and fought over trying not to be too sad about this move, and just be brave, and it's all gonna be okay, and being afraid I am not being apologetic enough for being heart-broken for having to leave the people I love most in this fallen world when there are others it has not bugged so much to leave. Well, as my good friend Holly says when she's had enough, I'm done.

I feel sick to my stomach about leaving. It's finally here. I am pretty much incapable of talking about it for more than three sentences without crying. I confess to being a little mad that I am leaving my nephews and niece when one of the things I have wanted most in life is to be an aunt. I know it's ridiculous, but I have thought about that since I was about nine years old. I am excited about new adventure, but I am crushed at the idea of not being around the corner from a mountain-full of people I adore.

Frankly, I did not know it would be this hard. It wasn't a month ago.

Hence, the whole walkin' on water segment at the top. I love that Chambers points out that the storm was already clearly raging away, but Peter just didn't see it when he laid eyes on Jesus. He didn't reckon with water or wind; he just stepped out to follow His Lord. I think that was me in October 2004 when this relocation was announced, and has been me in many ways since then. My answer when people have asked how I feel about "the move" (I am inappropriately sick of that phrase, by the way), has been all about how He will provide, and sure it will be tough in some ways, but it's so clear that I am supposed to go, and it will be okay.

Two weeks ago, I started to "reckon with the actual things". It was time to change utilities out of my name, open a new bank account, clean out my teaching files, deliver things to Goodwill, take note of what I will have to purchase for a place by myself, send farewell letters to churches, make lists of people to invite to going away events.

Today I hit the skids about making phone calls to set appointments for apartment tours. I need to do this tomorrow. My normal thing would be to research to death the places I want to look at, and have as much information as I can possibly garner before I even call, much less visit in person. I have already spent hours and hours online and in rental magazines and talking to people at work who have made their trips. But I know there is more I could do.

"...and down he went instantly."

I can't do it. I just can't anymore. And you should envision that with a resigned shoulder-shrug and sideways head-toss. I have no more brains or energy to throw at this. I can't handle one more moment of pre-home-find-trip preparation.

I think that must mean I have my eyes turning back to Him again. I said yes to the move in the first rush of chasing Him, what Chambers says we need to do by being "reckless immediately." If it's His voice, there is no hesitation with consideration of our circumstance; we are to "fling it all out on Him."

But I confess to taking lots of time lately to consider my circumstances, weigh my options, measure my own abilities, balance my efforts with my own intelligence. It was not enveloped by nearly enough prayer and trust.

So tonight, Liann prayed--I cried. I just cried and nodded while I listened to her praise Him for the perfect love and care He has always provided, and lay before Him my heart, her heart, and a very real need I face in a week--a new home.

And after making no-brainer lists for an apartment like washer/dryer hookups, here is what I really want:

1. A place big enough for people to come stay with me
2. A place that will allow me to bring my grandmother's dining table and hutch that are currently in use at my parents' house (I know it seems silly, but I can't tell you the surge of joy and comfort it brings to think of having those pieces with me.)
   
3. Nice landlords/managers and neighbors
   
4. An address I can come home with from this trip. I truly do not want to be on a waiting list, have to be making a bunch of confirming phone calls over the next month, or wondering if an "opening" will become available before the moving company heads north with my household goods.

Do I know that He will provide a decent home in Idaho? Of course--in the big picture, He always, always provides. For me, at this moment, though, as my friend Amber said recently, sometimes you need to know He is in the small things, like a bedroom and bath for guests, and furniture that has a million memories in it.