Here I Am to Worship

A day short of a month--now people can't say I haven't posted for a month. I love sliding in under a wire I have made up for myself.

Many, many thanks to the friends and dears who have been calling and posting comments to check on me in the Spud State. I am indeed arrived, and due to the Lord's grace, unexpected gifts from supporters, and the extraordinary generosity and hard work of my parents, I am comfortably ensconced in my first apartment. It's as close as we could manage to an Italian villa, and I love it. In fact, it looks a bit too nice for a lummox like me to be living in it!

The emotional update four weeks into Idaho, living-alone, away-from-my-home, every-single-thing-here-is-new life: Simply put, Jesus is the only reason I am here. My apartment is adorable, there are many people here who have been surpassingly kind, there are fantastic restaurants, shopping is simple, the farms near me are beautiful, and the clouds in the wide morning and evening sky are breathtaking. I even had a double rainbow outside my apartment balcony recently, and there is an inviting river I can float just a few miles from my home.

It's not enough. It's not worth it. The people I love and trust and cherish most are far away. I have never been a girl who felt the need to spread her wings. I have never sought adventure for the sake of adventure. I have never been unhappy with my home and had the "I gotta get outta here" feelings.

So, in the midst of this unbelievably busy time of expanding work and setting up home (no blogs lately because there has simply not been time--trust me), I had two worship experiences this week that drove home that I am here because Jesus asked if I would go and I said yes. For as difficult as this new phase is, I can also say with confidence that I would be utterly miserable in my soul if I had said no to my Lord to doing this work and doing it in this place.

Thus, indeed, here I am to worship. Here I am to bow down. Here I am to say that you're my God.

And I offer quickly on the heels of this, Hallelujah. Hallelujah, for the Lord God Almighty reigns. Holy. Holy, are you Lord God, Almighty. Worthy is the Lamb.

There are terrific moments that happen here. But my heart is broken--not just from being relocated, but from many things that are happening in areas where I work and to the people with whom I work. One of the lessons in my life at the moment is to own my own experience with the Lord and not continually lessen it by comparison to others in what seem to be worse circumstances, and thus not deal with what the Lord would have me learn in my relationship with Him. Toward that, for the moment I am embracing 2 Corinthians 4:7-9:

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Today for a moment I wondered exactly where the line is between hard pressed and crushed. I think it's slim. I think it's five or six or seven letters.

Jesus

Christ

Saviour

Were it not for Jesus, I would turn tail and load the car and race home. But truth be told, I thank Him for placing me where He must be my All in All. I am just learning that it can be heart-wrenching and terrifying and exhausting to have your life and heart's prayer actually answered.