Ummm, so which one of you is volunteering to fly up here to do an intervention? Boise is beautiful this time of year...
But first you have to deal with me. At any given moment, I could be in complete admiration of God for the past six months and totally at peace, or I could be ready to pitch the biggest, sobbingest temper tantrum on the planet. This evening feels like a temper tantrum night.
Or at least an avoidance evening.
At this very moment, I am flipping channels back and forth between Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? and My Name is Earl. When I am not scolding the idiot who doesn't know the title of our national anthem or wanting to give $25 to the 5th grader who does, I'm laughin' out loud at Earl's droll narration of his kooky escapades. I'm also feelin' pretty good that I got lucky enough to hit an episode guest-starring John Leguizamo. He fascinates me in a car-accident kind of way.
I have never even seen more than 45 seconds of this show before. People, if this is not a cry for help, I don't know what is.
I am homesick for family in California. I am homesick for Tony. I am tired of being positive. I am tired of being open to listening to God and feeling unanswered, and having this confidence that things have to remain unanswered for a while. Crap.
I am sure this is the part where Beth takes me to task for being a whiner. I think I would just stare at her dazed and steely-eyed and say, "Yeah, I know."
But then she would mother me and feed me pork. This is why I love her.
I do know that everything will be fine, and actually is fine. I have no doubt whatsoever about the Lord being in control and working all things out for His good.
But this hurts!!!!!!!!!!! Geez!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And it's not all Tony stuff. It's lots of things I experienced on the trip, including being face-to-face with people in the deepest poverty I have personally witnessed to date. And feeling more helpless than I ever have in my life.
So obviously I need God to show up in some new ways in my heart. And I know He will. But I am so sad right now.
And this new thing has crept into me--small, very slight in fact, but it's there. It's a twinge of jealousy over people happily together, people kissing on TV, people going home to their families, people getting engaged, people newly married, people singing about love on the radio. I know it sounds crazily impossible, but that has never really been a part of me, at least as an adult. I truly am able to be just genuinely happy for people when they pair up or anything like that. This new little "tweak" in me has cropped up since my return home from Africa.
I am one shallow monkey.
I am gonna go watch Marshall's link to Kermit's Lime in the Coconut. It's like medicine. And goes good with the margarita kick I am on. Even though I have been drinking them with Asian food. See? I'm all twisted around. Pleh.
Seriously, I am grateful to know you people. Thanks for being good ears. And, Risa? It would have to be a wild trip, because clearly 'ritas must be involved :)
5 comments:
Kathie, I am praying for you. I know that's cliche because people say that all the time but often they don't really do it. But I am. Truly. My heart hurts for you. I know what it feels like to be in that place where you feel like you're not hearing from God. I SO know. I was there from October '06 until May of this year. Oh, how it hurts. But I can tell you with total confidence that you WILL again hear Him. I know this is not the word you wanna hear right now, but.... Wait. Be still. He knows your heart and the desires therein. And He WILL be faithful to fulfill them. Man, I wish we lived closer together.... I'd love to just be there for you as an ear and a shoulder and a smile. You are so precious to us, dear sister. Stay the course and know that you are dearly loved. Please email me or call ANYTIME. Thanks for putting this out there... I'm excited to see how God will answer. (Notice I said "will" !!!) I love you!!!
It's very late (or early, depending on how you look at it), my computer battery is almost dead, and so is my brain. But I didn't want to leave tonight without commenting here.
I could come up with pithy sayings that would probably not be very comforting. I can tell you that my heart hurts for you, and that I, too, will be praying for you for reals. And you know I'd be up there in a minute if I could. If only we could get you down to Mammoth this weekend...
I'll come up with something wittier later. Just now, I offer only my brotherly empathy and those prayers. It's all I've got.
I love you! I would be on a plane in a second if I could. I don't really know what to say to make it better and that sucks. I'm sorry I missed your last two calls and I will call you after school today.
Well, fuck. Can I say that on a blog your folks read? Too bad. I'm tired and it's appropriate.
There is a reason I minister to children and not adults. I never have the good words for grown up heart ache. I mostly just swear. See above.
Homesickness. No cure. You just make a new place home. It takes time. I'd speed it up for you if I could, but you'd wake up years older with a strange connection to flat land and potatoes and not understand why. Natural progression is probably best.
Whiner? I'd love to take you to task for whining, unfortunately that would mean EVERYONE else in my life would take ME to task for whining, bitching, moaning, and daily diatribes. I will, of course, be willing to make vast amounts of pork. Carnitas go well with Margaritas.
Twinging. Tony. Heartache. Jealousy. Poverty. Helplessness. Waiting. All of it aches. All will be well in time, but for now you are swamped in ache. So I will come and we will pray and you can mock me for my lack of words and scold me for swearing, then we will drink gin and tonics and make some ribs, then we will throw all the pillows in your apartment on the floor and stomp on them and punch them and kick the crap out of them, then we will put them nicely back, eat our ribs sloppily and watch a girl movie that makes us cry. Yes we will.
I'm really sorry that you have to live out there by yourself. That's the part that bothers me the most about this - that we can't just up and drive over and hang out when you feel this way.
This whole geographic separation thing really blows.
Oh, and remember this: television is the Big Liar. Don't trust anything you see on it, because it's just people's fantasies, not the reality.
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