Tonight, for Marilyn

My heart is breaking tonight for Marilyn. As I thought of her, in the midst of my reading this evening, God brought this poem (it's in my Philip Yancey Prayer book. I did not pause to read it last night as I read the text around the sidebar it's in; I forgot that I had skipped it, and after praying for Marilyn this evening, I opened to the page it was on--not a coincidence, I think). It is new to me. My mind went directly to Marilyn. Then it went to all of us. This is for my sister, and for us.

I love and treasure you all, dear ones. And I am deeply blessed to know that this crowd will not hesitate to pray for and encourage this precious one in Minnesota--there will be many hands carrying her on her mat to Jesus, lowering her through the hole in the roof, because we love her, and He loves us.

Ich bete wieder, du Erlauchter

I am praying again, Awesome One.

You hear me again, as words
from the depths of me
rush toward you in the wind.

I’ve been scattered in pieces,
torn by conflict,
mocked by laughter,
washed down in drink.

In alleyways I sweep myself up
out of garbage and broken glass.
With my half-mouth I stammer you,
who are eternal in your symmetry.
I lift to you my half-hands
in wordless beseeching, that I may find again
the eyes with which I once beheld you.

I am a house gutted by fire
where only the guilty sometimes sleep
before the punishment that devours them
hounds them out in the open.

I am a city by the sea
sinking into a toxic tide.
I am strange to myself, as though someone unknown
had poisoned my mother as she carried me.

It’s here in all the pieces of my shame
that now I find myself again.
I yearn to belong to something, to be contained
in an all-embracing mind that sees me
as a single thing.
I yearn to be held
in the great hands of your heart–
oh let them take me now.
Into them I place these fragments, my life,
and you, God–spend them however you want.

Rainer Maria Rilke, from Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God
September 18, 1901

BLECH!

It was so awful, I have to post about it right now, this very morning. Liann and Holly will say I have been taking these kind of risks for years, and I totally had it coming. It was horrid. You know that almost-gonna-hurl, workin'-hard-to-keep-the-memory-of-it-at-bay feeling you get, trying to constrict your throat so you don't yark a little?

That is the fallout from my breakfast this morning. Ugh. Beth, someone, anyone, has to tell me what I did wrong. It seemed like something that ought to go together, in a weird kind of chi-chi-la-la sort of way. Even though I made it up as I stared, wet-haired and barely awake, into the refrigerator this morning.

Basically, it was little squares of ham (admittedly, not super top quality brand), cut about a quarter inch thick. They were all warm and nice, and I put a little square of brie on each one, then a slice of hard-boiled egg. On a few of them, I put a little dollop of dijon mustard. Each little stack was the equivalent of about two bites. So I had 12 bites of what I thought would be a nice little breakfast on my plate.

The first bite made me think of caviar--bad caviar. I thought, "I must not be awake quite yet. Wake up, Mouth!" I took another bite. Hmmm. I was appreciating the nice creamy effect of the brie from sitting on the warm ham, but I was starting to rethink that extra little shake of salt I put on top of each slice of hard-boiled egg. I mean, I know the ham was already salty, but you simply cannot eat hard-boiled egg without salt on it. What was I supposed to do? Break a hard and fast law of the universe?

By now I was facing 10 more bites. I figured it had to get better. I couldn't see any reason that these ingredients should not be friends. I tried another one with the dijon mustard, and then another without. They both were just like angry little salt skirmishes in my mouth.

I made myself finish it all and I just sat there, staring at Diane Sawyer and Robin Roberts on Good Morning, America. Maybe there would be a segment on the dangers of making creative little squares of protein for breakfast. I am still baffled. What went wrong?

I bet reading this was just like reading when Beth posts beautiful descriptions of food exploits on her blog, ain't it?

On a happier note, today is Holly's first day teaching at her new job! If you have a moment, say a prayer for her, both of thanks for some really cool stuff that has already happened and for her and her kids as they start the year together. She will be exhausted this week, but she has to post about the coolest thing that happened to her yesterday. If you don't see it in a day or two, bug her!