Waves Over My Heart

New blog skin for where my heart is today and has been for over a week in some sense. Plus, Christmas is put away for now. I can't have Christmas ornaments on my blog in January...

I am getting some new waves over my heart from God. I want some new waves. But the ones that have come lately didn't come cheap. They have come at a dear cost. I can't even enumerate or capture everything yet, and I may not be able or want to, but I feel a need to start somewhere.

Last weekend was one of the most heartbreaking and most beautiful of my life. My Saturday and Sunday were so different from one another in some ways, but God's presence in each day and each moment was so tender and so palpable. Honestly, I just kinda can't get over being amazed by it.

Saturday, at Lara and Marshall's request, I spoke at Timmy's memorial service. I told Lara and Marshall that they hold the distinction of giving me the most difficult honor I have ever had. I am still a little speechless inside at the gift of being able to recollect and share about the darling boy God created in Timmy and the, the...the... see? I can't even find a name for it...the way God's truth and love and grief and honesty and pain and beauty have poured forth out of Timmy's mama and daddy and family and friends.

Sunday, I gave the morning message at a church in Arcadia, sharing about MAF and missions. The congregation there is kind and generous and loving, and there was much laughter and joy. The prayer before the service with the pastor and the choir, including my wonderful Uncle Chris, was filled with laughter and praise. By the time I went to the front to speak, I was speechless. I was overwhelmed by how present and tender and faithful God was in each of these days, so very different from one another. I had to pause before I spoke, and in a choked voice, explain why I was so emotional before even saying, "Good morning". He is in every moment, every tear and every celebration. And He is good in every one. Every single one.

I was so full of awe and joy inside, I almost said, "Can I get an, 'Amen!'?" But I don't think they do that in Presbyterian churches...

This past week and the present one have been filled with reminders of God's sovereignty, which I actually used to balk at more. Somehow, talking about His sovereignty always seemed a poking reminder of my inadequacy and inability to make the right choices and run my own life well. I wanted to run it well and for His honor, for Pete's sake...shouldn't that count for something? I just wanted to run it and not need much help, by golly.

Now, reminders of His sovereignty are deeply comforting, so reassuring. He is the one unchangeable, the one constant. I love it. Our hearts are, my heart is, so fragile. Proverbs 18:10 is in my head:

The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe.

I need strength. I don't have my own. I don't want my own anymore. I want His, His, His.