The Post That Will Make No Sense, Maybe

But I write anyway.

So, blah, blah, blah, three posts about husband-y thoughts and desires. True when they were written. True when I was pondering writing them.

Still true in a sense. But a shifting sense.

Been trying to listen to what God has in the way of a Slusser storyline these days. I can share my heart and what I think are my wants with him, but I would rather hear the story he's writing. He's a much better author than me.

Storyline? The call to singleness. Hmmm.

I am not saying there is a call for certain. But that thought, that idea, suddenly came to mind last night and it's not one normally in my head. It's not there mostly because I have never really understood what that actually means.

There's all kinds of opinions on whether you can even have a "call" to singleness, but suddenly some pieces of thought and insight have started to come together for me lately.

I have this sense to draw apart, and inward a little, from the crowds, and that it's just me and Jesus for life. But it's not a painful sense, or a completely exclusive sense like it has been at times in the past. It's tempered with a sense that I am to be available for community and fun and friendship as the moments roll by, but that my heart (the fuzzy wuzzy, girlie part and the majority of its depth) and some of my time is to be removed from the world and kept for him. This is different than times in the past when I have wanted to withdraw but I wanted to do it completely and in self-protection. It's always been an either/or before; I could be goofy, spazzy extroverted Kathie or I could be reclusive Kathie. This new sense is an availability to still be extroverted and care for people but to live more day-to-day in a mode of being in the quiet of my soul, just me alone, just his, just available for the next ministry opportunity.

It's different and interesting.

I think my ministry role is a bit unique (not entirely, just a bit). I am a woman who leads a team of men. I have one other woman on my staff. When I function in a broader role of leadership in my ministry work, I am always working with men. There is a sweetness about being single in this scenario; the men are in a mode of protection and care; they are guardian brothers. It makes the situation work. And I like the work and God has called me to it. I like being cared for and watched over by all those brothers. For some reason I can't quite put words to, I think this would be a bit different, and just maybe not as effective, if I were married.

Speaking of work, it is calling more and more and more every day, with increasing demands and needs. It could be miserable to have that, I suppose, but if I embrace it in my singleness, it actually speaks to a huge part of my heart that is called to do something about the suffering and pain of the world and knows that the real answer to create real change is Jesus Christ. I am incredibly blessed to have what I get to do for a living feed the cries of my heart.

And my life as a single has the flexibility to be available to answer those needs in full tilt. I can stay at the office until 9:00 on a Friday night and know that my closest love, Jesus, is with me in what needs to be done. And that he's invited me to that time with him.

Finally, lately, for the first time, I have felt the freedom to actually live like a single in my house. Surprised? For years I have had in the back of my mind that I need to live gently, a little tentatively, as I go because whatever I am doing might need to be adjusted in case I wind up married one day. Now, I am suddenly free to embrace sleeping wherever I want in my queen bed, rather than sticking to one side "in case I have to share someday". I am smacking the snooze bar as often as I want to, without guilt, instead of, "Be careful, you might not always be alone and this could be annoying to someone." I feel a sudden freedom to not learn to cook "just in case I need to care for someone one day".

And, yeah, intertwined with this is that God brought it back again to just me and him. Stef moved out, so it's me and Jesus and the house and my work and my friends.

So I am exploring what I think might be a call to singleness. Hmmm. We'll see.

The very fact that I am a bit sad and disappointed about this news, that this indeed might be my life calling, indicates to me that it's not just me making it up, and that I am not just looking for a "fix" or a definitive answer to the question about whether I am to be married or single (much as it is a giant part of my nature to dislike living in the unknown). I am doing it in honesty, with my desires available for him to change and my ears available to him to listen.

But there are other unknowns God's making me more comfortable with, like my ministry role in the coming year, so I feel confident that I am growing. My role doesn't get any clearer or easier or a better match to what I think my skill set is with each passing day, but my comfort with just showing up and being available to bring what I can and see what happens next is increasing.

Okay, for fun, to end all this seriousness, ya gotta read Surviving church as a single by Jon Acuff. Laughed OUT LOUD!

Numbers 5, 13, 15-19, and 39 are among my favs, but are certainly not the only points I would have earned! Tee-hee! Still giggling...