Pinned

I said in the last post that I don't mind so much anymore being pinned to the mat in the wrestling match.

I don't mind, but that said, I'm not a chipper girl at the moment. Haven't been for a bit, and don't know when the chipper will come back, but whatever.

Without sounding like a broken record (is that possible?), I miss people. And for this moment, I want to say I miss my nephews. Hmmph.

I am watching National Geographic's Kingdom of the Blue Whale, and it occurs to me how much the boys would love this and it would be a ball to watch it with them. The heart tug is a little too much, so I flip the channel.

I land on some car commercial that shows little Cub Scouts making Pinewood Derby cars, which is what the boys were doing with Dad and Grandpa this past week. Big, fat help that was. Hmmmph.

It's not just missing people. I have fantastic friends here that God has provided and I AM SOOOOO GRATEFUL! Truly, truly. I have dear sisters and families here that make this place home now. I am not led to pack the car.

And I get to see them frequently. But it has to be scheduled, planned. We all have lives, commitments, work. You know the drill.

And, yes, I love my alone time, and yes, I know I am blessed to be single and free to serve God with my whole heart and life, and yes, I know I am fortunate not to be married to or living with someone who steals my joy, and yes, I know, I know, I know...

and I don't plan to run out and arrange my own fix or solution with either a human or a cat or a dog or a bird or a fish or any other creature that needs tending to...

but the truth remains...

I miss the serendipitous moments of someone treasured in the house or family down the street. I miss having someone to dote on. Someone who knows me thoroughly and loves me anyway, lets me shower them with ridiculous affection because I know them thoroughly, and they can stand 100% of me as me. I miss that as part of daily life, mornings and evenings, breakfast and grocery shopping and weed pulling and coffee sipping.

I knew it was good when I had it, the nearness of family, friends who had lived years and years of history with me, and a friend who was so much more than a roommate. It's no less painful now for the appreciation I had for it then.

I am not angry. I am fine. I am better than coping; I am growing and learning. But there is a hole in my heart. I don't think it's wrong. I agree with John Eldredge and plenty of others who don't believe that God satisfies our every whim, and in fact, most people who know Jesus intimately seem to have one thing that is a significant unmet desire, a longing that is unanswered. We never know how God will play out the longing in each person's life specifically (we are all uniquely fearfully and wonderfully created, after all!), and I have no idea what the rest of my life holds (you have NO IDEA how much I have no idea), but for now, in this phase, living as I do, it feels like the lesser version of me.

I know that's not the truth, though. So continue to listen, seek, and love my Jesus I will. He is enough. More than. He will meet me. He will continue to change me for the better and the more beautiful and the more satisfied and the more loving. For now, I am called to this moment as it is.

And I miss my boys.