Can I just pop in here to say that I am wrestling with a bunch of conflicting desires and wishes, having one of those stretches where I am being stretched and at moments feel I'll-do-anything cooperative and then downright heels-dug-in resistant? I could break it down into categories, and I may well do so in here at some point, but suffice to say I am a fussy girl these days.
The cool thing, I think, is that the fussiness is different than in years past. My trust level in Him is much higher. I know who wins the wrestling match, but I also know it's okay to wrestle. I didn't used to believe that. It felt like any engagement with God (or non-engagement and avoidance, in my case) about things I didn't care for or didn't understand was some deeply unholy lack of contentment and thus disobedient and evil. Now I believe that through the wrestling he shapes me. He still wins the match, but frankly, I want him to. His plans are ALWAYS better, and always have more love and joy interlaced into them than I deserve or would have arranged for myself.
Which is the other thing I am trying not to do: arrange things. If you want specific examples of how my impatience can manifest itself, go knock on Liann's blog (she could write a book), but I can at least tell you that I find it a challenge to sit in the fuzzy unknown, in desires that I don't know how to solve and that I can't seem to get to shut their yaps. I don't care if the indecision is solved with a less than exemplary choice; I just wanted it solved. I learned that about myself in college when my mom pointed out in a certain situation that it would not be wise to cut off my nose to spite my face just to have an issue that I was wrestling with settled. A very important conversation in the halls of Cal State San Bernardino that I never forgot.
So, I am not arranging my world. Or trying not to, at least. I catch myself taking matters out of his hands and into mine. No, no, no. Don't want that. No matter what, it's better back in his hands. Okay, here you go.
Still a wrestling match. But I don't mind being pinned so much anymore. His outcomes are written with a for love me I can't begin to plumb the depths of, so he's welcome to be the beautiful winner.
1 comment:
I connect with where you're at completely. I've been itching to pursue my creativity with more discipline, possibly start a business, but I feel that same collision of my passions & dreams and the "here and now" (well and my fears and apathy). I love the thought that God shapes us as we wrestle with him. And we do learn to trust him more and more each time he doesn't crush us :).
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