I just don't have it in me today.
Today, nothing fits me. Nothing that is being asked of me, of how I live and work, hangs comfortably on me. Today, it's all too big, too hard.
Today, I don't even know what could be asked of me that would feel like a fit. I can't remember what I am good at anymore. What might God have designed me for? I had answers a few years ago; not so much, now. I like being a cheerleader, rah-rah optimist, who makes people laugh and feel better. I like being nice to people (though I fully realize I do not always succeed in the attempts--sometimes I don't even attempt). What kind of productive career with an impact for God's Kingdom do you live out with those two desires?
Today, I don't have a clue.
Today, I am the "my every failure leads to another example of my failure" girl. Just a few days ago I was bragging (in that nice, "look what God has changed in me" kind of way) that I don't really live in the world of Kathie butt-kicking that I used to. Used to be, when I would catch myself in a mistake or a moment where I realized I could have been more Christ-like, I would spend far more time berating myself about my poor behavior than confessing and being renewed at the feet of my Savior.
Today feels like failure. It feels like years of failure with some of the same struggles, the same lack of growth, the same fears, the same selfish "why can't things just be the way I want?"
In a work discussion yesterday about potential changes and reprioritizing, a very caring person asked me if the new ideas and plans (compared to a different plan we once envisioned, neither one materially or inherently better than the other) made me feel like a failure at all ... in light of the changes and shifts, he was worried about me. The intent of the question was, without doubt, to make sure that I knew I was not viewed by anyone as a failure. I answered confidently, glibly, "No! I am grateful for this. Everything that has transpired has been in the kindness and wisdom of my Father."
Today, the answer's different. Though I know it's not true, my tired spirit cries out, "Sorry! I know I blew it!"
Today, I am sick of being shaped, reworked, molded, built up, refined. I want to be a lump of clay that's left alone in whatever color, shape, sheen, I already am. Something raw in me says, "ENOUGH already! NO MORE change! THANK YOU!" I want to be selfish, to curl up in the safety of Him and not be available to the world.
Today, I don't want to be used of Him, to be a valuable tool, to make a difference.
Today, I am not loving "learning to be imperfect" as my blog description so cheerily states. I want perfection, or something much closer to it. I am worn out with embracing the tripping, stumbling me. I want to be a girl that looks like she knows at least a speck of what she's doing.
Today, there is not enough of me to go around.
The great thing about being a girl and being 40 is that this may all well change tomorrow.
But today, this is the story. Good thing His mercies are new every morning. They'll be back.
7 comments:
1. The righteous will fall seven times yet the Lord will lift him up. Sounds like "failure" is not anything new to God. He does not expect us to be perfect in our own right, (in fact He knows it is not possible!) but He sees us as perfect because we are in Jesus, who is the source of our righteousness.
2. It is my first inclination to hug you and cry, "I know exactly what you mean! I feel the same way!" But then I remember who He says I am (we are)--righteous, perfect, with His mind, blessed, delivered, healed, and on the list goes. His view and opinion of us are the truth, not our false perceptions. Our position in His kingdom or His viewpoint are not at all related to our circumstances. His love for us never, ever, ever, ever fails. (I still have my arms wrapped around you in warm appreciation of you.)
3. Darren Hardy gives an excellent example of a pendulum in relation to success and failure. The greater the swing toward failure, the greater the swing toward success. I think if we always try to live in our comfort zones, we will never experience the exuberant joys of success. Mr. Hardy tells about the shift of his mindset from running from failure to running toward it. The ship on an anchor never leaves the safety of the harbor.
4. God created in you a unique set of gifts, talents and abilities. If the world fails to see their value with monetary compensation, it is their loss and nothing new. They have never truly seen great value in virtue! I have faced much the same dilemma since I became an empty nester. It has only been since I realized how God sees me that I am comfortable in resting in His arms and not feeling the need to perform for Him.
It is true His mercies are new every morning, and that His grace is sufficient for you. I am holding you close, friend. Hugs!
tm
I could say ditto, ditto to your post today... feeling a bit the same and I have 16 years on you.
I think it is normal to long to be done with our imperfections and mistakes, to want the work to be over, to be confident that today Christ will be honored in everything about me, to want to soul rest...
Some days we get to do that--but most days God allows us to be humbled--allows us to see our need of Him--allows us to be broken...And, on those days, He waits for us to come and climb on His lap so He can love on us, comfort us and assure us of His unconditional love and confidence that He will keep His word and complete His good work in our lives.
He is amazing, Kathie--and so are we because He is present and indwells us. He is amazing. And so are we--His chosen people who He loves even when we're ready to be done.
These people are wise. Me - I just know you're heart and I love you.
Which is exactly why I use the wrong form of the word on purpose.
This may be my favorite blog entry yet. Very profound. And very exactly where I'm at (could that be why I like it so much?;). I know you (nor I) don't see what God is doing when He's doing it, but the fact that He won't leave us alone, leave us "as is", is a good sign. It just doesn't feel good. At all.
would you consider a visit to Germany?
Oh, you betcha, MM :)
thanks
i needed this today
sally
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