I was told tonight (in a good way--not like, "Man, you got told!") that sharing about the simple, beautiful, pure things in life is worth it. It was in the context of why I had chosen not to blog (or, more accurately, specifically rebelled against doing it) before now. My answer mostly has to do with not wanting to contribute to the insanity of media noise already in the world. The cacaphony on the internet, radio, satellite radio, podcasts, MP3s, television, cell phones...you name it...drives me nuts, and I think in many ways is deeply unhealthy.
Plus, what the smack do I have to say that anyone gives a rat's tooie-tooie about? But that's another issue...
In response to my musings about whether small, silly things belonged on my blog, my poet-preacher friend pointed out Philippians 4:8--"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Dr. Skaggs said that in the midst of a world of "noise", sharing about the sweet and pure and everyday is magic.
I can't argue with a treasured passage of scripture (as well as the basis of one of my favorite Wes King songs, Good News), or with the value of some joy in the mundane, so here's a tidbit of magic for tonight.
Hope you're ready after this big lead in...
I have an enormous raspberry on my left knee.
It's still humongous today, Wednesday, and I got it on Sunday. It spent the first two nights under a bandage soaked in Neosporin--the kind with the pain killer, 'cause the sheets against it hurt!
Why is it pure, lovely, admirable, excellent? Did I get it rescuing people from a burning building? Did I win the softball title by sliding into home just under the touch of the catcher's glove? Did I wrestle a 500-pound gorilla away from an old lady trying to cross the street?
Nope. Got it giving horsey rides, lots of them, to Poncho, Denver, and even to Born Dancin' (with the help of Joanna propping her up and walking next to me while she rode). I was in comfy new Eddie Bauer shorts, galloping up and down the hallway and through my mom and dad's bedroom and living room on Sunday during our family Memorial Day BBQ.
Aunt Kaffie has a new rule--horsey rides when she is in jeans ONLY! I had no idea that rug burn is like sunburn and worsens as the evening goes along! Yee-ouch!
However, I have also never been prouder of a boo-boo. I think I have worn shorts every day since Sunday just to show it off ;) I feel like a cowboy. I mean, cowgirl.
Um, no. I mean, Trigger.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Common Sense
Go read My Utmost for His Highest today, 05/30. Go on, the link's at the right...go on. Scoot.
Common sense was like a law in my house growing up. "Use your common sense, Kathie." The joke most times, though, was that I had little of it. If you want me to learn something, give me a book. Then assign an essay. If you really need me to absorb it, make me diagram each sentence.
As an adult, the major times of growth in my life, and deep joy despite deep pain, have been when common sense has taken a back seat to faith. I don't mean ignoring things like not walking down the middle of a busy freeway ("You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son."), but like all other good precepts I have been given, I have taken what should be a guide and turned it into a rule. Common sense is a rule if you don't have a God who is telling you that being Indiana Jones with him is far better.
And I like to be Indiana Jones--but my common sense tries to do it in a nice, safe, lots of rope and back-ups and rappelling gear of my own kind of way. He gets little glory in this scenario, of course, I get little joy (because I have been so busy arranging things that did not need my attention), and a thin story is told on the other side where people who don't know my Jesus can attribute the decent outcome to my abilities and talent and some serendipity.
I know better, and I know the difference. I want His stories on the other side. I read last week that Jesus did not come to preach common sense. From Oswald on May 26: The danger with us is that we want to water down the things that Jesus says and make them mean something in accordance with common sense; if it were only common sense, it was not worthwhile for Him to say it. The things Jesus says about prayer are supernatural revelations.
I confess to spending a lot of time trying to arrange the natural and asking Jesus to sprinkle in some supernatural. Pray with me that I will stop it.
Common sense was like a law in my house growing up. "Use your common sense, Kathie." The joke most times, though, was that I had little of it. If you want me to learn something, give me a book. Then assign an essay. If you really need me to absorb it, make me diagram each sentence.
As an adult, the major times of growth in my life, and deep joy despite deep pain, have been when common sense has taken a back seat to faith. I don't mean ignoring things like not walking down the middle of a busy freeway ("You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son."), but like all other good precepts I have been given, I have taken what should be a guide and turned it into a rule. Common sense is a rule if you don't have a God who is telling you that being Indiana Jones with him is far better.
And I like to be Indiana Jones--but my common sense tries to do it in a nice, safe, lots of rope and back-ups and rappelling gear of my own kind of way. He gets little glory in this scenario, of course, I get little joy (because I have been so busy arranging things that did not need my attention), and a thin story is told on the other side where people who don't know my Jesus can attribute the decent outcome to my abilities and talent and some serendipity.
I know better, and I know the difference. I want His stories on the other side. I read last week that Jesus did not come to preach common sense. From Oswald on May 26: The danger with us is that we want to water down the things that Jesus says and make them mean something in accordance with common sense; if it were only common sense, it was not worthwhile for Him to say it. The things Jesus says about prayer are supernatural revelations.
I confess to spending a lot of time trying to arrange the natural and asking Jesus to sprinkle in some supernatural. Pray with me that I will stop it.
Snarfles
I love 1 Thessalonians 5, especially verses 12-28. The instructions are so succinct, and the encouragement so direct. Verse 24: "The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." Rock on. I have hung out a lot in these verses.
But I cracked up yesterday when I had a little epiphany over verse 14:
"And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone."
Ummmmm...Guess which side of the above listed group I have always put myself on, not consciously choosing, of course, but just always landed there? Obviously, on the encourager side. ALWAYS. Clearly, though, that means there are timid, weak people out there, who need some patience. Hee hee. That means there are encouragees. Look how I am always on the "do" side and never the "receive" side! Hee hee! Kathie giggles aloud (kind of snarfully-like, almost spraying little dots of spit on the computer screen), in this small, triumphal realization. I betcha, sometimes I am in the weak, timid, needing-patience group. I betcha, sometimes I am supposed to allow myself to be ministered to.
Maybe I am renaming this the "Duh" blog :)
But I cracked up yesterday when I had a little epiphany over verse 14:
"And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone."
Ummmmm...Guess which side of the above listed group I have always put myself on, not consciously choosing, of course, but just always landed there? Obviously, on the encourager side. ALWAYS. Clearly, though, that means there are timid, weak people out there, who need some patience. Hee hee. That means there are encouragees. Look how I am always on the "do" side and never the "receive" side! Hee hee! Kathie giggles aloud (kind of snarfully-like, almost spraying little dots of spit on the computer screen), in this small, triumphal realization. I betcha, sometimes I am in the weak, timid, needing-patience group. I betcha, sometimes I am supposed to allow myself to be ministered to.
Maybe I am renaming this the "Duh" blog :)
Monday, May 29, 2006
Kathie's Third Commandment--yikes
I think I discovered today that at some point in life I made up a third commandment for myself, to follow the two from Jesus in Matthew 22:
36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Kathie's unwritten, third, often sadly overtaking the other two, commandment:
"Thou shalt not inconvenience ANYONE, EVER. Amen."
Bummer. Just figured out today that this is probably not such a healthy idea. Been living the last 10 years or more pretty laboriously by it, though. And, for the record, I'll just put out there that I live the "mind" part of the first commandment, and since I have no desire to be particularly kind to myself, and am not my own biggest fan, number two probably doesn't get lived out in the way He intends.
As Liann pointed out, that means I am living and breathing a little over 1/3 of the things staked out as most important by the Lord I love. Plus monkeying it up with my own rules. Glad the Lord brought that to light today.
My counselor has me reading Changes That Heal, by Dr. Henry Cloud. I know people have opinions on both sides about Dr. Cloud and about such books, but I'll tell ya, for me at the moment, it's a pretty darn helpful thing to be reading. I have Liann's copy, and let her know today that I am marking the dickens out of it, and I hope she does not mind. Of course, she doesn't, and we actually spent time today comparing her underlines and starred places to mine that are getting added to the pages. Very cool and encouraging to see where she's been, how God has worked, and what He's continuing to do for both of us in this significant season of change at this house under the big oak.
Back to the inconveniencing thing. On the list of things I need to move from my head to my heart, there are many, many, many things I know, have heard, and have read. Thank God for Cloud pointing out plenty of those things just now when I will crash and burn if I don't start to get them. One that seems pretty obvious--"We are literally to draw from the love of God and others to fuel our transformation and fruit bearing."
I read that and realized that I see receiving love from others as nice, enjoyable, and pleasant. I never put it in the realm of "necessary." For me, though, it is "necessary," and my duty as well as my joy, to love others. I love you--absolutely and without doubt. You love me, God loves me--that's handy and lucky. And I'll eek out what I can without bothering you or Him too much.
Gross, I know. But that's the point. I have considered renaming this blog, "The Catalog." It's gonna be, I think, a list of things I am just starting to get, many of which make others say, "duh."
So, since I should be able to function just to care for others, without needing to be refilled (not seriously refilled, anyway), I take it to the extreme of not wanting to "bother" anyone about anything. I am happy to help bear your burdens, and I love you so much, I won't burden you with mine. Aren't I nice?
Reminds me of planning my first support-raising trip in the late summer of 2004. I kept checking with Chris and Rebekah to make sure that my staying with them was not an inconvenience or hassle or headache or bother or burden or hardship or discomfort. And, yes, I think I checked as many times as I have nouns listed there. Chris finally said, "Kathie, the only inconvenience is having to reassure you that you are not inconveniencing us." And he used his serious voice. I almost thew up, 'cause I knew I had been busted. And really, if I think about it, this broken idea in my head of not "burdening" others with anything, including struggles or worries or broken pieces of me, sounds a lot like my junior high and high school "Are you mad at me?" game, just with an adult spin on it. People will like me more if I am not messy and complicated, and can be what they want and need.
Definition of the classic codependent, you say? Ah, yes, I have a touch of it.
How could I miss that I need Him to fuel me, and that I need others in close relationship who can point me toward Him, who know when I am broken and empty, when probably my favorite verse is John 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
I need to expand my definition of fruit in my own head. My tree is pretty restricted to "task" fruit. Time for some character fruit.
Favorite quote thus far from Changes, p. 41: "The Lord accepts us fully, knowing that we will need time and experience to work out our imperfections. Our failures do not surprise him. If they surprise us, it is only because we have too high an opinion of ourselves."
Pow, right in the kisser!
36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
Kathie's unwritten, third, often sadly overtaking the other two, commandment:
"Thou shalt not inconvenience ANYONE, EVER. Amen."
Bummer. Just figured out today that this is probably not such a healthy idea. Been living the last 10 years or more pretty laboriously by it, though. And, for the record, I'll just put out there that I live the "mind" part of the first commandment, and since I have no desire to be particularly kind to myself, and am not my own biggest fan, number two probably doesn't get lived out in the way He intends.
As Liann pointed out, that means I am living and breathing a little over 1/3 of the things staked out as most important by the Lord I love. Plus monkeying it up with my own rules. Glad the Lord brought that to light today.
My counselor has me reading Changes That Heal, by Dr. Henry Cloud. I know people have opinions on both sides about Dr. Cloud and about such books, but I'll tell ya, for me at the moment, it's a pretty darn helpful thing to be reading. I have Liann's copy, and let her know today that I am marking the dickens out of it, and I hope she does not mind. Of course, she doesn't, and we actually spent time today comparing her underlines and starred places to mine that are getting added to the pages. Very cool and encouraging to see where she's been, how God has worked, and what He's continuing to do for both of us in this significant season of change at this house under the big oak.
Back to the inconveniencing thing. On the list of things I need to move from my head to my heart, there are many, many, many things I know, have heard, and have read. Thank God for Cloud pointing out plenty of those things just now when I will crash and burn if I don't start to get them. One that seems pretty obvious--"We are literally to draw from the love of God and others to fuel our transformation and fruit bearing."
I read that and realized that I see receiving love from others as nice, enjoyable, and pleasant. I never put it in the realm of "necessary." For me, though, it is "necessary," and my duty as well as my joy, to love others. I love you--absolutely and without doubt. You love me, God loves me--that's handy and lucky. And I'll eek out what I can without bothering you or Him too much.
Gross, I know. But that's the point. I have considered renaming this blog, "The Catalog." It's gonna be, I think, a list of things I am just starting to get, many of which make others say, "duh."
So, since I should be able to function just to care for others, without needing to be refilled (not seriously refilled, anyway), I take it to the extreme of not wanting to "bother" anyone about anything. I am happy to help bear your burdens, and I love you so much, I won't burden you with mine. Aren't I nice?
Reminds me of planning my first support-raising trip in the late summer of 2004. I kept checking with Chris and Rebekah to make sure that my staying with them was not an inconvenience or hassle or headache or bother or burden or hardship or discomfort. And, yes, I think I checked as many times as I have nouns listed there. Chris finally said, "Kathie, the only inconvenience is having to reassure you that you are not inconveniencing us." And he used his serious voice. I almost thew up, 'cause I knew I had been busted. And really, if I think about it, this broken idea in my head of not "burdening" others with anything, including struggles or worries or broken pieces of me, sounds a lot like my junior high and high school "Are you mad at me?" game, just with an adult spin on it. People will like me more if I am not messy and complicated, and can be what they want and need.
Definition of the classic codependent, you say? Ah, yes, I have a touch of it.
How could I miss that I need Him to fuel me, and that I need others in close relationship who can point me toward Him, who know when I am broken and empty, when probably my favorite verse is John 15:5, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
I need to expand my definition of fruit in my own head. My tree is pretty restricted to "task" fruit. Time for some character fruit.
Favorite quote thus far from Changes, p. 41: "The Lord accepts us fully, knowing that we will need time and experience to work out our imperfections. Our failures do not surprise him. If they surprise us, it is only because we have too high an opinion of ourselves."
Pow, right in the kisser!
Monday, May 22, 2006
More than you ever wanted to know about eagles
I just caught myself in a huge moment of geekness. Geekdom? Geekosity? Anyway...
Deuteronomy 32:11, 12
11 As an eagle stirs up its nest,
Hovers over its young,
Spreading out its wings, taking them up,
Carrying them on its wings,
This verse is part of what was shared Sunday at church. The imagery that was put with it intrigued me, so I wanted to check to see what eagles really do when they stir up a nest and get their young going.
What else? I Googled.
Christian sites that talk about eagles tell stories about how the parent eagles start pulling all the soft stuff (rabbit fur, down, ect.) from the nest when they "stir" it, making it uncomfortable for the eaglets to stay put, so they have to get out of there and start trying to fly. The good news is, Mama and Daddy are there to help and to catch them on their wings, or pinions, which are not like the feathers of most birds, spaced further apart and softer, which a baby bird might fall through. No, eagle feathers are sturdy and so close together that a baby eagle can even use its little claws to dig in and hang on to the flying parent who protects them and causes them to soar.
Doesn't that sound nice? You can imagine all the places I wanted to go with that metaphor, about me and God, and you and God, and there's nothing to worry about as I get urged from the nest of the San Bernardino Mountains into the skies of Idaho, soraing with my Heavenly Father.
Then I checked the animal behavior sites. Hmmmm.
Mostly I found stuff about the young "moving out" regarding bald eagles; I found lots of other info on different types of eagles, just not so much on their process for getting the kiddos flying. Seems like most eagles coax their young out of the nest with food and there's some flapping and fluttering and exercising going on in the nest prior to that.
Bald eagles, some say, will keep flying back and forth with food just out of the reach of the young eaglets so that they start leaning out to get it. And it might take a LONG time for them to finally lean far enough over the edge to get somewhere. In the meantime, since the parents aren't providing any food, the eaglets are losing their baby fat and getting leaner and meaner (literally meaner and more agitated, making sour-attitude little eagles, according to some sources). Finally, out of sheer starvation, practically, the eaglet jumps out as the parent flys by with a marmoset or something plump and tasty, and gives his wings all the flap-flaps he has in them. Apparently, if the little lubbers live to screech after their crash-landing, the parents start helping to feed them again as they learn to hunt for themselves over the next 8-9 weeks.
Important data noted by Kathie on more than one site: Approximately 40% of young eagles do not survive their first flight.
What kind of metaphor is that???
Sure, in this scenario, so the animal experts say, the eaglets only learn to hunt and be all "eagley" by watching their parents patterns and practicing what they do. I can dig taking that part of the metaphor into my emulating the Lord, watching Him and practicing more Christ-likeness.
But a 40% death rate? Ouch.
I just had a conversation tonight with Liann about the fact that I am hyper-context-sensitive. This applies to Bible verses and deciding who and what they apply to, and what can be "claimed" for yourself, as people like to say, and apparently also to imagery and metaphors and what I am willing to buy into.
I think I need to chill about this and start maybe just taking the good from stuff and just enjoying or appreciating something for what it's worth.
Good topic for the counselor this week, eh?
Flap-flap.
Deuteronomy 32:11, 12
11 As an eagle stirs up its nest,
Hovers over its young,
Spreading out its wings, taking them up,
Carrying them on its wings,
12 So the LORD alone led him,
And there was no foreign god with him.
The "him" is Jacob. I can't give you a pronoun without an antecedent--sorry.
This verse is part of what was shared Sunday at church. The imagery that was put with it intrigued me, so I wanted to check to see what eagles really do when they stir up a nest and get their young going.
What else? I Googled.
Christian sites that talk about eagles tell stories about how the parent eagles start pulling all the soft stuff (rabbit fur, down, ect.) from the nest when they "stir" it, making it uncomfortable for the eaglets to stay put, so they have to get out of there and start trying to fly. The good news is, Mama and Daddy are there to help and to catch them on their wings, or pinions, which are not like the feathers of most birds, spaced further apart and softer, which a baby bird might fall through. No, eagle feathers are sturdy and so close together that a baby eagle can even use its little claws to dig in and hang on to the flying parent who protects them and causes them to soar.
Doesn't that sound nice? You can imagine all the places I wanted to go with that metaphor, about me and God, and you and God, and there's nothing to worry about as I get urged from the nest of the San Bernardino Mountains into the skies of Idaho, soraing with my Heavenly Father.
Then I checked the animal behavior sites. Hmmmm.
Mostly I found stuff about the young "moving out" regarding bald eagles; I found lots of other info on different types of eagles, just not so much on their process for getting the kiddos flying. Seems like most eagles coax their young out of the nest with food and there's some flapping and fluttering and exercising going on in the nest prior to that.
Bald eagles, some say, will keep flying back and forth with food just out of the reach of the young eaglets so that they start leaning out to get it. And it might take a LONG time for them to finally lean far enough over the edge to get somewhere. In the meantime, since the parents aren't providing any food, the eaglets are losing their baby fat and getting leaner and meaner (literally meaner and more agitated, making sour-attitude little eagles, according to some sources). Finally, out of sheer starvation, practically, the eaglet jumps out as the parent flys by with a marmoset or something plump and tasty, and gives his wings all the flap-flaps he has in them. Apparently, if the little lubbers live to screech after their crash-landing, the parents start helping to feed them again as they learn to hunt for themselves over the next 8-9 weeks.
Important data noted by Kathie on more than one site: Approximately 40% of young eagles do not survive their first flight.
What kind of metaphor is that???
Sure, in this scenario, so the animal experts say, the eaglets only learn to hunt and be all "eagley" by watching their parents patterns and practicing what they do. I can dig taking that part of the metaphor into my emulating the Lord, watching Him and practicing more Christ-likeness.
But a 40% death rate? Ouch.
I just had a conversation tonight with Liann about the fact that I am hyper-context-sensitive. This applies to Bible verses and deciding who and what they apply to, and what can be "claimed" for yourself, as people like to say, and apparently also to imagery and metaphors and what I am willing to buy into.
I think I need to chill about this and start maybe just taking the good from stuff and just enjoying or appreciating something for what it's worth.
Good topic for the counselor this week, eh?
Flap-flap.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Two topics before bed
Pastor Johnny Beaver from Calvary Baptist Church in Pascagoula, Mississippi, spoke at our service at Lake Gregory Community Church this morning. He touched on two topics that struck close to my heart. One is something I have been thinking about a little already, and another is a new thought I want to ponder more. I'm just going to capture it here tonight, before bed, and then come back to it this week.
Overtly, he talked about Deuteronomy 32, specifically verses 1-5, and then verse 11. Johnny is pastor of a church that LGCC committed to supporting and caring for after Hurricane Katrina. He was at LGCC this morning to thank the congregation in person for their part in Calvary Baptist's ongoing recovery, and he shared terrific, only-God-could-have-done-this stories about things that have unfolded since Katrina. The verses from Deuteronomy were part of his story, and I loved his talk about verse 11, about being pushed out of the nest, into God's care. He brought up some cool metaphors in there that I want to think about.
Less overtly, one of the themes of the morning seemed to be about Pastor Johnny learning to be ministered to. I have had this thought about my own interaction with the Body of Christ and with the Lord over the past 18 months, and it has come to the surface again significantly in the past few weeks. He said this morning that one of the things he learned after Katrina was about the vastness, the sheer size, of the Body of believers. He and his congregation have been cared for and encouraged in extraordinary ways by people they never met, and you could tell by his sharing that it was something for him to get used to.
Preach it, brother. I am living in the land of learning to accept His goodness in both broad and detailed, and sweeter ways.
So, there's just enough to capture the gist of it. More thoughts and reactions later to:
Overtly, he talked about Deuteronomy 32, specifically verses 1-5, and then verse 11. Johnny is pastor of a church that LGCC committed to supporting and caring for after Hurricane Katrina. He was at LGCC this morning to thank the congregation in person for their part in Calvary Baptist's ongoing recovery, and he shared terrific, only-God-could-have-done-this stories about things that have unfolded since Katrina. The verses from Deuteronomy were part of his story, and I loved his talk about verse 11, about being pushed out of the nest, into God's care. He brought up some cool metaphors in there that I want to think about.
Less overtly, one of the themes of the morning seemed to be about Pastor Johnny learning to be ministered to. I have had this thought about my own interaction with the Body of Christ and with the Lord over the past 18 months, and it has come to the surface again significantly in the past few weeks. He said this morning that one of the things he learned after Katrina was about the vastness, the sheer size, of the Body of believers. He and his congregation have been cared for and encouraged in extraordinary ways by people they never met, and you could tell by his sharing that it was something for him to get used to.
Preach it, brother. I am living in the land of learning to accept His goodness in both broad and detailed, and sweeter ways.
So, there's just enough to capture the gist of it. More thoughts and reactions later to:
- 1. being pushed out of the nest
2. being ministered to
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Grandmas and Sisters
My precious, hilarious, adorable, unique Grandma Mel is asleep in the room next to mine. I picked her up this evening from Loma Linda where she was visiting my Grandpa Bud in the hospital as he recovers from a surgery. I drove her to Highland; we went to the grocery store together where she tried to buy way too many strawberries and scads of whipped cream; we talked while I filled up the car at the gas station; I drove her up 330, using almost every turnout so she would still have feeling left in her fingers and perhaps not squeeze the door handle so tightly; Joanna (who I love for treating my grandma like a jewel) made a wonderful dinner for us and Grandma played with all the monkeys. Then I brought her home to my house to stay the night.
She loves me so thoroughly. When Liann's grandma passed away, Liann said part of the reason it was so hard was, "there's just no one who loves you like a grandparent. It's so complete and accepting."
Going into the bathroom tonight to brush my teeth, I could hear my grandma's voice as she talked to Liann; I was suddenly seven years old again. There's even a Thermador on the wall to make it a visual flashback to being at her house, brushing my teeth in her bathroom. It sounds ridiculous, but I was overcome with gratitude for being her grandchild, that of all the grandmas, all the women in the world, I belong to her.
Getting ready for bed in her house was joyful, safe, fun. It didn't occur to me to try to be better than I was, to worry about the day to come, to question her love for me even if I had been corrected in the afternoon. She rejoices over me. And I never doubt her love for one moment. I feel it all through me.
God, thanks for a moment to cry over the beauty and tenderness of You toward me through Grandma Mel.
__________
I have a sister in Indonesia. She sucks down whipped cream gas better than anyone I have ever seen, and is one of the most genuine, honest, bright spirits I have been blessed to know. She told me that the May 18, My Utmost for His Highest was just what the doctor ordered for hearts with holes. I'm so glad she is a day ahead of us in the States so she could tell me about it, and I could grab it and put it here for me and for us.
I love you, too, Sister Princess. Thanks for wanting to learn, too.
She loves me so thoroughly. When Liann's grandma passed away, Liann said part of the reason it was so hard was, "there's just no one who loves you like a grandparent. It's so complete and accepting."
Going into the bathroom tonight to brush my teeth, I could hear my grandma's voice as she talked to Liann; I was suddenly seven years old again. There's even a Thermador on the wall to make it a visual flashback to being at her house, brushing my teeth in her bathroom. It sounds ridiculous, but I was overcome with gratitude for being her grandchild, that of all the grandmas, all the women in the world, I belong to her.
Getting ready for bed in her house was joyful, safe, fun. It didn't occur to me to try to be better than I was, to worry about the day to come, to question her love for me even if I had been corrected in the afternoon. She rejoices over me. And I never doubt her love for one moment. I feel it all through me.
God, thanks for a moment to cry over the beauty and tenderness of You toward me through Grandma Mel.
__________
I have a sister in Indonesia. She sucks down whipped cream gas better than anyone I have ever seen, and is one of the most genuine, honest, bright spirits I have been blessed to know. She told me that the May 18, My Utmost for His Highest was just what the doctor ordered for hearts with holes. I'm so glad she is a day ahead of us in the States so she could tell me about it, and I could grab it and put it here for me and for us.
I love you, too, Sister Princess. Thanks for wanting to learn, too.
| CAREFUL UNREASONABLENESS | ||
| "Behold the fowls of the air." . . . "Consider the lilies of the field." Matthew 6:26, 28 Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they simply are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars and the moon - all these are, and what a ministration they exert. So often we mar God's designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful. Jesus says that there is only one way to develop spiritually, and that is by concentration on God. "Do not bother about being of use to others; believe on Me" - pay attention to the Source, and out of you will flow rivers of living water. We cannot get at the springs of our natural life by common sense, and Jesus is teaching that growth in spiritual life does not depend on our watching it, but on concentration on our Father in heaven. Our heavenly Father knows the circumstances we are in, and if we keep concentrated on Him we will grow spiritually as the lilies. The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mould us. If you want to be of use to God, get rightly related to Jesus Christ and He will make you of use unconsciously every minute you live. Taken from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. (c) l935 by Dodd Mead & Co., renewed (c) 1963 by the Oswald Chambers Publications Assn., Ltd., and is used by permission of Discovery House Publishers, Box 3566, Grand Rapids MI 4950l. All rights reserved. | ||
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Putting it out there
I have been hounded by a few to start a blog. I am not starting a blog--I already started this back in September 2004 ("Check the records...I did stuff!"). And Christina was the impetus then. And she's still worth it.
But she's not why I am finally back here. Even Beth's encouraging, sweet comment isn't it, though I salute her with haiku. I'm in here tonight because God told me twice today that I need to do this. And then had someone else tell me. I think I better not ignore it.
I want to record that today was a turning point in some way, I believe. The short of it is that I was prayed for today by two people in the most intercessory, direct, and commanding way I may ever have been prayed for. It was amazing. It was holy. And it was a moment I need to remember.
These are two people who will be out of my immediate life quite soon as a result of the MAF relocation. One will move to Idaho in a year, but the other is leaving MAF. We, along with one other person, have shared a unique season of meeting and praying together. Today was the most powerful prayer time we have experienced together to date, and it was for me. I don't really know what to say about that, except, "Thank you, Jesus."
I feel selfish even typing, "it was for me." But that's kinda what the crux of the prayer was, and the marrow of some things the Holy Spirit spoke even as my friends prayed. I live in fear of being selfish and inconveniencing people. As Donald Miller says in Blue Like Jazz, "I love to give charity, but I don't want to be charity." This has now had a long time to seep into my relationship with God. So, while I wither away because I have come to relate to Him on almost a solely intellectual level, and I know I need more of Him, I only ask timidly and half-heartedly, living in the shallow, dried-up mud hole John Eldredge describes.
I am tired of being there, and if I stay much more, I will not make it. I will not make it in this ministry work. I will not make it to being the kind of daughter, sister and friend I want to be. And I will wind up skating into Heaven by the wrinkled, shriveled skin of my teeth.
And what would have prevented me sharing this much sooner? A combination of: threatened, I told you so's; not wanting to be pelted with platitudes from well-meaning people; and the simple fact that, even though I would joke along these lines once in a while, I didnt really realize what the problem was. God has spent the last six weeks or so, starting just before the Lebanon and Jordan trip, bringing the hole in my heart to the forefront, holding it up before the light, and gently turning it while He held my face still enough to look at it, despite my every effort to look somewhere else. Hallelujah.
What started the prayer time today? Me sharing that when I picture myself before the Lord, I never imagine Him smiling. He pats me on the head and says, "You're trying hard. Keep it up." He has patient love in seeing me, but no expression of joy.
What started my first trip to a Christian counselor last Wednesday? An incident with the vacuum cleaner the Saturday morning previous. Truly.
And do I know better about all these things? That this vision of Christ not embracing with me exuberance is not true? That my emotions are valuable and important in my relationship with the Lord and in engaging with Him, as well as my intellect, and I should not ignore them or refuse to feel them? That he created me with weaknesses and limitations so that He can be glorified, because "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."?
Of course I know it. That's the problem. It's in my head. I was carried to the throne today by friends who knew these things needed to be moved to my heart. I was the paralyzed man lowered through the roof on the mat by his friends. And praise the Lord for it...I couldn't get there on my own.
I didn't know it until today.
But she's not why I am finally back here. Even Beth's encouraging, sweet comment isn't it, though I salute her with haiku. I'm in here tonight because God told me twice today that I need to do this. And then had someone else tell me. I think I better not ignore it.
I want to record that today was a turning point in some way, I believe. The short of it is that I was prayed for today by two people in the most intercessory, direct, and commanding way I may ever have been prayed for. It was amazing. It was holy. And it was a moment I need to remember.
These are two people who will be out of my immediate life quite soon as a result of the MAF relocation. One will move to Idaho in a year, but the other is leaving MAF. We, along with one other person, have shared a unique season of meeting and praying together. Today was the most powerful prayer time we have experienced together to date, and it was for me. I don't really know what to say about that, except, "Thank you, Jesus."
I feel selfish even typing, "it was for me." But that's kinda what the crux of the prayer was, and the marrow of some things the Holy Spirit spoke even as my friends prayed. I live in fear of being selfish and inconveniencing people. As Donald Miller says in Blue Like Jazz, "I love to give charity, but I don't want to be charity." This has now had a long time to seep into my relationship with God. So, while I wither away because I have come to relate to Him on almost a solely intellectual level, and I know I need more of Him, I only ask timidly and half-heartedly, living in the shallow, dried-up mud hole John Eldredge describes.
I am tired of being there, and if I stay much more, I will not make it. I will not make it in this ministry work. I will not make it to being the kind of daughter, sister and friend I want to be. And I will wind up skating into Heaven by the wrinkled, shriveled skin of my teeth.
And what would have prevented me sharing this much sooner? A combination of: threatened, I told you so's; not wanting to be pelted with platitudes from well-meaning people; and the simple fact that, even though I would joke along these lines once in a while, I didnt really realize what the problem was. God has spent the last six weeks or so, starting just before the Lebanon and Jordan trip, bringing the hole in my heart to the forefront, holding it up before the light, and gently turning it while He held my face still enough to look at it, despite my every effort to look somewhere else. Hallelujah.
What started the prayer time today? Me sharing that when I picture myself before the Lord, I never imagine Him smiling. He pats me on the head and says, "You're trying hard. Keep it up." He has patient love in seeing me, but no expression of joy.
What started my first trip to a Christian counselor last Wednesday? An incident with the vacuum cleaner the Saturday morning previous. Truly.
And do I know better about all these things? That this vision of Christ not embracing with me exuberance is not true? That my emotions are valuable and important in my relationship with the Lord and in engaging with Him, as well as my intellect, and I should not ignore them or refuse to feel them? That he created me with weaknesses and limitations so that He can be glorified, because "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."?
Of course I know it. That's the problem. It's in my head. I was carried to the throne today by friends who knew these things needed to be moved to my heart. I was the paralyzed man lowered through the roof on the mat by his friends. And praise the Lord for it...I couldn't get there on my own.
I didn't know it until today.
Haiku For Elizabeth
A poem for you
For comments made long ago
Because you love me
Like it? Had to do that for you before this weird thing gets rolling.
For comments made long ago
Because you love me
Like it? Had to do that for you before this weird thing gets rolling.
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