On Reading Romans 8

I have heard sermons and read books on certain topics, and sometimes I take in what is suggested so completely that it eliminates other truths. Things like "all we do should be for God's glory" make perfect sense to me, but sometimes it pushes out other things.

Last Tuesday was hideous because I felt completely defeated by my inability to accept God's love, or even begin to understand a wink of it, beyond His generosity in not wiping my sorry self off the face of the planet. I was almost incapacitated by the emptiness I woke up with at 3:30 that morning--almost incapacitated, but also angry. Angrier than I have ever felt, I think. I was sick to death of not comprehending in even the tiniest way this core part of God's character. I can't get over this brick wall in my core that says that all joy waits until after this life--unbiblical as that is. What made it worse was that I felt I had gotten a glimpse of it in March and April--where the hell did it go? Say that sentence with a lot of venom, and you have me in the wee hours of the morn last week.

I went to work 90 minutes later than usual, because I felt like I could not move--and if I did, what was the point? I cried the whole 2 1/2 hours I was in the office, I felt so frustrated and defeated. God bless my amazing brother for being a patient, loving voice in a Google chat that morning, gently pointing out all kinds of things my vision is skewed about, including spiritual attacks--geez, I miss him. And right about the time I decided I couldn't stand to be at work one more moment, he recommended I go home and just rest in Jesus and try to let some things soak over me. So at noon I left.

I also had a very quick text chat with Tony before I shut down the computer, and in that I asked him to pray for me, but did not want to take the time to explain the specifics of why. As I drove home, he called my cell and wanted to know what was going on so he could pray more effectively. I pulled over next to a bunch of cows and tried to keep it short. I explained quickly that I was struggling to understand God's love for me, and I can't figure out how to get out of "performance" mode, even though I know it's theologically unsound. And that it made me feel so awful I had to leave work. He suggested I spend some time in Romans 8. And God bless Tony, who does not say, in the midst of my sniffling, "My dear, I am here in the jungle of Sudan trying to run a training workshop, with a horrific case of typhoid, so sick I can barely function. And your problem is what?"

Romans 8:1-4, (NLT) with parts that struck me late last Tuesday night, the end of a wretched day, in bold...

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit

Here's what came to me suddenly, suddenly, just before midnight on Tuesday.
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I bought that "it's not about me."
I bought it so completely that I wiped myself off the map.

I bought that "it's about God's glory."
I bought it so completely that I figured that this means nothing for me, except salvation, and I am selfish to want anything. That somehow I am selfish to wish for anything except to be a tool, a means, an invisible stone on the path to more people seeing Christ.

This is why there is no love in my schema.

If it's not about me, but all about Him, I need to adore Him, but not need anything in return—not even love.

Where is the relationship, the fullness between, or in, the truths of "God's glory" and "God so loved"?

That's why the family love and human child metaphors don't always work for me to understand God's love. People ask how I can struggle so much with this when I have a family that loves me so dearly, and I don't doubt their love. I know it's not about Mom and Dad's glory, so I am not a tool to something. I know Michael and Joanna don't want their kids to worship them.

God is different.

But similar.

How?

I need freedom. Freedom to say I want to be loved by the Creator. I want a life with someone. I want to know what Tony means to me. I want God to know all the brokenness in me and still love me. I want Tony to know all the brokenness in me and still love me.

I want to know God's voice when I hear it. I want to trust it when I do. I want to trust Him when He's quiet.
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It was a better night's sleep. And it was a better week. And God has been faithful to just keep dosing this new insight a little more each day. The view is shifting a little at a time. Things like Romans 8:15-17 (CEV)...

God's Spirit doesn't make us slaves who are afraid of him. Instead, we become his children and call him our Father. God's Spirit makes us sure that we are his children. His Spirit lets us know that together with Christ we will be given what God has promised. We will also share in the glory of Christ, because we have suffered with him.

Thanks for letting me share. See, Liann? The dimmer is only there on the Sluss once in a while--I am still so extreme. Pray for the dimmer to get firmly planted in me, so I can see all the shades in things, not just the light off or on. That I will start to thrive in relationship view, not right or wrong view. I want to see lots of facets of the face of God at once--not just a myopic view of one at a time.

I trust it will come.

Hugs all around.