More People Read This Than I Think Read This

It has been a week of being reminded that there are lurkers out there who appreciate when I post. I don't know why. But it's a nice little motivator to do it again.

I haven't posted a ton mainly because I don't quite know what to do with me. I am in one of those places (again) where I am fussy, fussy, fussy and grumpy, grumpy, grumpy about the fact that I am fussy, fussy, fussy. There is an unpublished blog entry that I started on January 11 that is titled, "Who Am I to Be?" And somehow the intellectual answer of "all God has made me to be" wasn't cutting it, because I don't know who or what that is.

My job has changed a ton in the last year. I am not particularly good at it. Do I stick it out and try to rise to the occasion, or get somewhere where I know what I am doing?

I love my new house. I want to make it homey and welcoming and have people come and be refreshed and relaxed there. I want to serve yummy food and have the guest bedroom and bathroom be just what every person who comes in the door needs it to be. But I am not there enough to make that happen, and I don't know how to cook and I don't particularly enjoy doing it, and I do still like my job enough that I am content to come home after a full day of work and pass out and be glad there is no one who needs my hospitality, and in fact, I would kinda appreciate being tended to. What do I do with all that? Which person am I? Which person am I supposed to be?

It stinks to live alone but I don't want a roommate because I want the house to be available for my family and friends and visitors whenever I want. I want to have my cake and eat it, too.

Wah, wah, wah.

AND...I realized this other weird thing today. I keep wanting to be quiet and subdued and blend into the crowd more, but when I do that, people think there is something wrong with me. I have been in a funk, sure, but here in the office and stuff it just means I am calmer and quieter and more task-focused and less goofy and less talky and more to the point.

I can't tell you the number of people this week who have called, left notes, or stopped by to check on me to see if I am okay.

Why aren't they just happy I am quiet for once?

So, what does that say, if anything, about me trying to be more introverted, and, (forgive me) be more typical Christian-girlie-be-seen-and-not-heard-nice-lady, and not be so bloomin' silly? People are freaked out, and kinda depressed about it. What is that?

And a friend I hadn't talked to in a while, who I finally caught up on the end of the Tony story, said yesterday, "It was so wonderful that you let people in on this experience and your heart process through the last year. What a gift that was to people."

What? I said thank you, and I would try to think about it that way, but mostly I just think people would have appreciated me keeping my yap shut a little more frequently. She said, "Oh no, people should be more transparent like that more often. We aren't open enough about the real issues in our lives."

So why do I feel so flippin' bad about being me so much of the time, and I invest all this energy into trying to be different, and that doesn't seem to fit the bill either? If being more "me" is the right way to go, why do I balk against it so much?

And how does that cool thing Beth posted by C.S. Lewis fit into all that?

So, there you go.