Another "Because He said so."

Warning: This is a long one. Flee now if you don’t have a good cup of coffee with you…

Another "Because He said so." As in, "Because God said to put it out there." And when I told a friend about this Saturday night, he said, "Have you written that down somewhere?" Umm, no.

That might not be entirely true. I do write snippets of posts on my church bulletins on Sunday mornings quite regularly. I just rarely seem to get around to actually posting. Anyway...

One of the byproducts of last year's excursion into courtship with Tony was having to confront the question of whether I wanted to be married or not. My last significant relationship ended in May 1993. It had been a quiet 14 years until January 2007, which was pretty much okay with me. I had a standard answer for people who queried me about marriage: "If it happens, it happens; if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Whatever happens is fine." And, contrary to what a few of my dearest friends believe, I meant it; I didn’t want to go plunging into something God did not intend for me, or avoid something that God did intend. I wanted him to be the arranger and orchestrator of my life in all aspects.

Now, what is true, is that I never actually pondered the question myself in recent years about my own preferences in this matter. If you had asked me in my teens or most of my twenties about whether or not I would be married, I think I just kind of assumed I would be. But, in my mid twenties, I encountered a few women a little older than me who were not married. And some of them were really angry with God about it. I mean, ticked. Mad enough that it scared me. It made me consider that I didn’t ever want to come to a place in my life where I was so discontented with what God had given me that I would rage at Him. So, in conjunction with a prayer to always be content where God had me, I think I also made my own quiet, very determined conviction to never be discontent with my circumstances. That might not be so bad, but as we know about the Sluss, of course, my personality took that conviction to the extreme.

The marriage "thing", or lack thereof, became part of my life conviction to never be unhappy, to never be dissatisfied, with anything I had or did not have. See the nice, subtle shift here? I am no longer looking to God to cause my peace and contentedness…I have decided to make my own way. This included coming to the extreme of not even being able to express preferences to God about anything. I figured if He knew what was best, He would make whatever that was happen. I applied this "whatever you want, God, and I don’t need to pipe up in here" approach to all things in my life (which was part of the struggle of the move to Idaho and coming to grips with the grief in the departure…and winding up sobbing uncontrollably under bed sheets…but that’s another story), so the same was true in regards to relationship or marriage. Nothing was coming down the pike, so there was no need to think about or address the issue, I figured. Sure, there were moments each fall and spring where I would get a little dreamy-eyed and think it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with, but I happily wrote it off to some sort of seasonal ailment :)

It felt so easy to not think about it, though. In December of 2006, I even got to use, just once, the perfect response to someone who started to ask me about being married. Sweet thing, she looked at me after an evening of several couples and me enjoying dinner, and most were gone home, and said, "Can I ask you a question? It’s probably none of my business, but…" I smiled at her and said, "Oh, wait, wait. Is this the moment where you say that I am so wonderful you just can’t believe no one has swept me up and married me yet?" She smiled and stared at me, mouth slightly agape, "Uh, yes!" And with full sincerity, I said, "Thank you so much for thinking so well of me. I am honestly flattered that you think I would be a catch for someone and could bring joy to someone’s life. But let me reassure you, I am okay. Whatever happens, happens. God knows best. If you feel led to pray about this, that’s totally fine, but truly, I am good with things either way."

Then one silly month later, there I was, realizing that I had thought plenty about what if it didn’t happen. But, not really at all about what if it did.

So, I wrestle with God about a new approach to talking with Him, about having opinions and preferences, and all kinds of good and hard stuff over 2007. And one of the realizations I come to is that, indeed, I do think I would like to be married. Look, I even admitted it out loud right here.

As we all know, the courtship ride closed in December, and I have no doubt whatsoever that we listened well to the Father and made the right decision. So, no remorse, praise Jesus. But, what did get left with me was that "thing" I had to admit. Lord, I think I want to be married.

Embedded in some of my attitude for the past several months has been, "Well, great, Lord. Now what do I do with that thing? It was a non-issue before, now it’s out here, there is nothing on the horizon, it was quiet for 14 years prior to the anomaly of 2007, I want to shut this longing down without shutting down what I learned, but what the heck do I DO with this?" Slightly cheesed off Sluss, as you can see ;)

The beginning of this year brought many, many things to wrestle through, and this desire was one. Another series of events and people, including a "wake up and smell the reality" lecturette from my very insightful chiropractor, and a friend telling me, "There is wonderful freedom in being discontent before the Lord," (WHAT? HUH?) led me to three days of personal retreat in Cascade, Idaho, in July. It was a terrific, quiet time, with God talking with me in very sweet, unexpected ways.

One of the realizations He drew me to was that, in yet another machination of Kathie’s 3rd Commandment, I decided somewhere along the line that I shouldn’t need much of anything from God. Of course, I needed him to send Jesus to rescue me; I readily admit I can’t arrange my own salvation. No problem. But, I got into my head at some point, that if I were really allowing God to be in charge of my life, if I were really submitted, I wouldn’t need to ask for anything else. Insane, I know. But it’s just something that got twisted in me, and I didn’t even know it was what I believed. While in Cascade I wrote in my journal, "…not only do I want to fix all my own problems, I want to fix everyone else’s problem’s, too. Which makes for poor relationship. And, probably, certainly not intimate relationship. I want to be needed. Others need to be needed. I am killing myself trying to live like I don’t need God. He was generous and good enough to save me, thanks so much. I appreciate it. But now, I shouldn’t need anything—and I am furious when I do. Makes for horrible, dishonest relationship. I’ll let Him save me, but not love me, not be needed, not be anything but pleased not to be bothered by me."

Want to hear God’s great response to that?

Romans 3:23-28 (The Message, emphasis mine)

Since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.

God sacrificed Jesus on the altar of the world to clear that world of sin. Having faith in him sets us in the clear. God decided on this course of action in full view of the public—to set the world in the clear with himself through the sacrifice of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured. This is not only clear, but it's now—this is current history! God sets things right. He also makes it possible for us to live in his rightness.

So where does that leave our proud Jewish insider claims and counter-claims? Canceled? Yes, canceled. What we've learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We've finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.

I just giggled when I got to the end. It was such great news. He is about relationship here and now, not just an agreement for salvation. I am to let Him set the pace? I don’t run the parade? Tee hee hee! I just cracked up, it was so obviously me. And He so obviously doesn’t need to me to be a drum major. I called Liann to tell her about it and I was laughing away. She pointed out that I tend to giggle when God shows me truth; she thinks it’s because, deep down, I so grateful to find out I am not in charge :)

After all that, I had to admit that do not like living alone. I am selfish, and I don’t really want another roommate because I want the house to be available for my family and friends whenever they want it (Liann was a crazy exception to the general roommate--she actually likes my family). So, that leaves me here with…me. And it’s just not my favorite. There, I said it.

I asked, "God, please show me how to live alone, how to live with You. You and I reside in the house you brought me; please show me how to share it with you in a way that I am not lonely. Don’t just take away the loneliness…please fill it in a new way with You. You promise to be all things; please be someone I can talk to and share with in deep ways in my house. I need to understand how to live with You."

And God has been steadily answering that, increasing my awareness of His presence in amazing, precious new ways. Including some truth and a smooch on the cheek when I woke up berating myself about something in the middle of the night on Thursday. You may think I am nuts, but I kid you not.

So, this Saturday morning, I got out of bed and rolled out to the kitchen. The house looked great, the backyard was hopping with birdies, and the weather was perfect so I opened the doors and windows. Standing in my jammies, I started to fill the coffee carafe with water from the dispenser in the refrigerator. While it filled, I leaned my head against the freezer door and thought, "Man, it would be so nice to have someone to share this coffee and birdies and nice house with. It’s not as great when it’s just me. Something’s missing." My next thought immediately leapt to asking God to take that desire away so it wouldn’t be a distraction from all the blessing I was clearly swimming in. Instead, what came was, "God, you’re here. We live here. I am not alone—what do You think of this morning?" The peace and joy that came was terrific. It wasn’t a bandage; it was His presence, so personal and happy to be here with me. And He likes the birdies and coffee and gorgeous mornings, and He likes enjoying it all from my couch :)

There, friend. I wrote it down!

Olympic Inactivity

I am so sore this week. Know why? I watched the Olympics for 17 days straight. Plus two plane flights in there so I could watch in both Idaho and California.

Lots of snacks + lots of couch-sitting + watching other people be very active = very achy body

The chiropractor is so not going to be impressed.

I am helping a friend move on Friday night. I hope to avoid a repeat of my last "helpin' a friend move" experience, but we'll see! What if my ego just takes over again?

Oh, oh, oh...I never finished my review of the chocolates Beth gave me! As Poncho (the "N" nephew) would say, "Well, Aunt Kathie, let me tell you something..."

The Green & Black's Bittersweet Ginger is nice, but I don't know how I feel about ginger and chocolate together. Ginger in Thai food, cookies, yes. This bar wasn't bad, but I think I just really dug the others. The BruCo Dark Chocolate Orange Cinnamon was a nice idea, but was quite waxy, pilly--NOT how lovely chocolate should be.

That Vosges Naga Bar, on the other hand, wound up being my total favorite. Interesting things happened with it. I gave some to my British boss, who loves curry. He was polite, but you could tell he found the curry/coconut/chocolate thing a bit odd. Then I gave some to a coworker, a guy in his early twenties who I adore, but who I was sure would not have an appreciative palate for much beyond what most teens and twenties guys eat--you know, Coke, burgers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I offered him a piece mostly because he was in the same room with me and it just felt rude not to. He took a piece, popped it in his mouth and dropped his head back to his laptop screen. About three seconds later, he lifted his head up and looked at me across the table, eyes wide. "What is that? That's AWESOME!"

And for me? I have to tell you, when I got to the end of the bar, I actually started to have a full-fledged, adrenaline-laden anxiety attack. I started banging on Google looking for anywhere in Idaho that sells Vosges. It's the closest thing I have ever experienced to what I imagine it's like to run out of crack. There is nowhere in this silly state to buy that chocolate! I started checking locations in California..."Ooo...Paul and Cindy live close to a place...maybe if I call them...ah...Vegas! Yeah! The Shops at The Forum! When can I get there?"

I love Idaho. But it is missing Trader Joe's, Nordstrom, In 'n' Out, and Vosges Haut Chocolate. I need to really check out who I am voting for this year. Who can fix this?

Oh, Toto...

Yes, kind neighbors to the east of me in my cul-de-sac, that was my barbecue cover flying, lofty as a birthday balloon, over your direction. I am glad to say it stopped on my side of the fence, around the corner, between your house and mine so I did not have to come pester you for it. I am really glad that my patio umbrella stayed on this side of the fence. No, I am not kidding.

The wind kicked up this evening something fierce! I was talking to Liann on the phone when it got dark outside, the plants started to move a little, then sway, then bend horizontally from west to east in earnest. I had lowered the umbrella earlier, but when I saw what was going on, I yelled to Liann that I had to go, ran outside, and stood there getting blasted with wind, wondering stupidly what to do with the umbrella. If I yanked it out of the table in that wind, I was pretty convinced they would find me later in downtown Boise, like a disheveled cousin of Mary Poppins. But the wind was yanking so hard and making the table and umbrella bounce up and down, that I figured I would risk flying through my neighbor's windows in an attempt to save the lovely table and umbrella my parents and Michael and Joanna bought me when they were up here in June. I pulled it out and hustle, hustle, tucked it over the edge of my little wooden patio Whew!

One of my lilac bushes (actually it's more of a tree, a late-blooming variety, I think--I have four others that are definitely "bushier" and bloomed early in summer), I am sad to say, did not fair quite so well. Early in summer, here's a bit of the backyard, with the lilac "bushes" in bloom. The lilac "tree" is the really wispy thing to the right of the lilacs already in bloom.



Here is it tonight, much fuller, and until about 7:00 PM, was standing pretty vertical. Bummer!

I went out to try to see what I might need to drag to the curb for the trash dudes, but I can't really tell until I climb up in the dirt. Tomorrow, maybe.

Time for dinner! And a bath after standing in the wind with plastic shopping bags and other debris and greenery whizzing past my head. Hang on, Toto!

EDIT: Last night, 9 homes burned down and 10 others were damaged in Southest Boise in what started out as a grass fire but got whipped into a housing area when 50 mph winds kicked in. I no longer feel sad about my tree, but rather very grateful I have a house. One person was killed in the fires. Please pray for these homeowners and their families!

Hello, Darlings

I miss you all. And now that the Olympics are over, I can ponder re-entering the real world of work and friends and thoughts and dreams. But not the kind of dreams that get you knocked of the balance beam and into deep depression and no gold medal. Just normal dreams.

It's been a strange year thus far, trying to determine in some ways who I want to be and what I want to do. And the things out of those two groups that might actually be possible.

I have discovered that I wrestle regularly with feeling alone, but wanting to cocoon up into myself frequently, too. I want to learn how to swim those two parts of me.

And I am learning to talk with my God differently. We live here in this house together. I would like to live here well and learn what that really means.

I have avoided blogging because I have had too much to say in some cases, but a felt need to be quiet and limit my contact with the world, too. I haven't known what to do with that.

Just dive in again, I guess. Bits and pieces--it doesn't all need to be beautiful and fluent.

But God did say to put it out here. So back to diligence, I pray.