It has been a week of being reminded that there are lurkers out there who appreciate when I post. I don't know why. But it's a nice little motivator to do it again.
I haven't posted a ton mainly because I don't quite know what to do with me. I am in one of those places (again) where I am fussy, fussy, fussy and grumpy, grumpy, grumpy about the fact that I am fussy, fussy, fussy. There is an unpublished blog entry that I started on January 11 that is titled, "Who Am I to Be?" And somehow the intellectual answer of "all God has made me to be" wasn't cutting it, because I don't know who or what that is.
My job has changed a ton in the last year. I am not particularly good at it. Do I stick it out and try to rise to the occasion, or get somewhere where I know what I am doing?
I love my new house. I want to make it homey and welcoming and have people come and be refreshed and relaxed there. I want to serve yummy food and have the guest bedroom and bathroom be just what every person who comes in the door needs it to be. But I am not there enough to make that happen, and I don't know how to cook and I don't particularly enjoy doing it, and I do still like my job enough that I am content to come home after a full day of work and pass out and be glad there is no one who needs my hospitality, and in fact, I would kinda appreciate being tended to. What do I do with all that? Which person am I? Which person am I supposed to be?
It stinks to live alone but I don't want a roommate because I want the house to be available for my family and friends and visitors whenever I want. I want to have my cake and eat it, too.
Wah, wah, wah.
AND...I realized this other weird thing today. I keep wanting to be quiet and subdued and blend into the crowd more, but when I do that, people think there is something wrong with me. I have been in a funk, sure, but here in the office and stuff it just means I am calmer and quieter and more task-focused and less goofy and less talky and more to the point.
I can't tell you the number of people this week who have called, left notes, or stopped by to check on me to see if I am okay.
Why aren't they just happy I am quiet for once?
So, what does that say, if anything, about me trying to be more introverted, and, (forgive me) be more typical Christian-girlie-be-seen-and-not-heard-nice-lady, and not be so bloomin' silly? People are freaked out, and kinda depressed about it. What is that?
And a friend I hadn't talked to in a while, who I finally caught up on the end of the Tony story, said yesterday, "It was so wonderful that you let people in on this experience and your heart process through the last year. What a gift that was to people."
What? I said thank you, and I would try to think about it that way, but mostly I just think people would have appreciated me keeping my yap shut a little more frequently. She said, "Oh no, people should be more transparent like that more often. We aren't open enough about the real issues in our lives."
So why do I feel so flippin' bad about being me so much of the time, and I invest all this energy into trying to be different, and that doesn't seem to fit the bill either? If being more "me" is the right way to go, why do I balk against it so much?
And how does that cool thing Beth posted by C.S. Lewis fit into all that?
So, there you go.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Brighter Thoughts This Morning
Well, I took a page of notes this morning during church about some really deep observations of my current spiritual journey. Was gonna blog it. Came home and made corned beef and cabbage instead. Now must get to bed.
Finished my tax prep to mail off, too, lest you think it took me all day to cook and eat cabbage.
But it does take freaking forever to clean up after cooking. And when it's just me I cooked for, it's annoying. There should be more people here to eat on the three days a month that I cook something.
But I need to get back in the habit of being on here. Thus, in the words of Mr. Portokalos, "So, there you go."
Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots, gravy (which was an adventure in itself when you are a kitchen dummy--the reason you don't add the flour while your liquid is boiling, Sluss will now always remember, is because you get lots of lumps, which I affectionately termed "mini-dumplings"), and a bottle of New Belgium 1554 Enlightened Black Ale. Most pleasant. And chased with a little dish of butterscotch pudding that I cooked last night.
That's right--cooked. If it says "Jell-O Cook & Serve Pudding & Pie Filling" on the box, then I had to cook it to eat it. And boiling milk is a little stressful, so I want credit.
Night, night.
Finished my tax prep to mail off, too, lest you think it took me all day to cook and eat cabbage.
But it does take freaking forever to clean up after cooking. And when it's just me I cooked for, it's annoying. There should be more people here to eat on the three days a month that I cook something.
But I need to get back in the habit of being on here. Thus, in the words of Mr. Portokalos, "So, there you go."
Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots, gravy (which was an adventure in itself when you are a kitchen dummy--the reason you don't add the flour while your liquid is boiling, Sluss will now always remember, is because you get lots of lumps, which I affectionately termed "mini-dumplings"), and a bottle of New Belgium 1554 Enlightened Black Ale. Most pleasant. And chased with a little dish of butterscotch pudding that I cooked last night.
That's right--cooked. If it says "Jell-O Cook & Serve Pudding & Pie Filling" on the box, then I had to cook it to eat it. And boiling milk is a little stressful, so I want credit.
Night, night.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Kathie's House of Horrors
"Must get something on blog, must get something on blog"...maybe if I put up a few sentences, I will get more on here tomorrow.
For now, I will tell you the horrible thing I discovered about my house in the past 36 hours. Apparently, I was a sheltered girl on the mountain. Do you know what lives at houses on flat ground, like my new house?
One million earthworms. Uuuuggghhhhhhh-ggggaaaccchhhkkkkkkk!!! Disgusto!
OK, Sluss, just shake it off, shake it off. Tell the story.
It rained a bunch yesterday. I now own 3 areas of lawn.
I discovered all the ones on the back patio while I was on the phone with my mom yesterday evening. They were in little puddles. I asked her if I should sweep them off into the yard before they got all dried up and crispy. She said, "I don't know. Maybe if you try to sweep them they will just goosh all over."
Gag reflex > Scrunched up, contorted face = yelling, "MOM! Nasty!" < Mom laughing hysterically
So I swept while we talked, which meant I basically launched water-logged worms out to land on top the grass, so they can get crispy there instead of the patio. I felt kinda bad, like I added impaling on grass blades to their already miserable journey of death. Insult to injury.
Then, this morning, I went out to put something in the mailbox (which, if I may digress, is quite the coolest thing after having to drive to a post office for most of my life...oh, the joy of mail at the house). I was basically looking down, watching my slippers as I came around the corner of the little path from my front door to the driveway, when my brow furrowed at the sight of worms in my way.
I glanced up to find my driveway decorated like Mardi Gras with brown, wiggly, squishy confetti.
Dude. I walked to my mailbox like I was in a minefield, and side-stepped my way back to the house. I didn't go out again today, and I am not even going to think about what will happen when I pull out of my driveway to go to church tomorrow morning.
I can already hear it in my head..."Pop, pop, poppity, pop, pop..."
Grass is overrated. I miss pine needles.
For now, I will tell you the horrible thing I discovered about my house in the past 36 hours. Apparently, I was a sheltered girl on the mountain. Do you know what lives at houses on flat ground, like my new house?
One million earthworms. Uuuuggghhhhhhh-ggggaaaccchhhkkkkkkk!!! Disgusto!
OK, Sluss, just shake it off, shake it off. Tell the story.
The Story and Some Math
It rained a bunch yesterday. I now own 3 areas of lawn.
Rain + Lawn = Patio + Driveway loaded with earthworms = My gag reflex > My biology empathy
I discovered all the ones on the back patio while I was on the phone with my mom yesterday evening. They were in little puddles. I asked her if I should sweep them off into the yard before they got all dried up and crispy. She said, "I don't know. Maybe if you try to sweep them they will just goosh all over."
Gag reflex > Scrunched up, contorted face = yelling, "MOM! Nasty!" < Mom laughing hysterically
So I swept while we talked, which meant I basically launched water-logged worms out to land on top the grass, so they can get crispy there instead of the patio. I felt kinda bad, like I added impaling on grass blades to their already miserable journey of death. Insult to injury.
Then, this morning, I went out to put something in the mailbox (which, if I may digress, is quite the coolest thing after having to drive to a post office for most of my life...oh, the joy of mail at the house). I was basically looking down, watching my slippers as I came around the corner of the little path from my front door to the driveway, when my brow furrowed at the sight of worms in my way.
I glanced up to find my driveway decorated like Mardi Gras with brown, wiggly, squishy confetti.
Dude. I walked to my mailbox like I was in a minefield, and side-stepped my way back to the house. I didn't go out again today, and I am not even going to think about what will happen when I pull out of my driveway to go to church tomorrow morning.
I can already hear it in my head..."Pop, pop, poppity, pop, pop..."
Grass is overrated. I miss pine needles.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Humbled and Happy
Well, let me just get right out on the table that Holly's post was a surprise blessing--I had no idea God would use my rambles last night in such an encouraging way. Yeah, Jesus!
I am not kidding--I was on Ambien. Which, on a side note, sadly though, seems to be quite similar to Iocane Powder. Apparently, I have spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane Ambien. Phooey.
Anyway, Holly's post, in turn, gave me something to munch on today. How often do I let people hang my long ago past over me in a way that God never, ever would? I was created and redeemed by a God who, when I have repented and turned from my sins, has cast them AWAY, who recalls them no more, who says to me when I bring them up again, "WHAT are you talking about?" But I let people who do not forgive me, or who like to feel slightly superior by bringing up my failures over and again during dinner (as if God was surprised for one moment by them when they happened), determine how I view myself and my relationship with my Father? When I have been repentant and He has restored and renewed me, and I am living in a spirit of longing to be more like Him?
Ummm. Wrong. There are times for confrontation in a community. However, after someone has repented and changed is not one of them.
But here's the coolest part for tonight, here from Germany: it bothers me WAY more that someone would do that to Holly, to someone I love, more than it bothers me that someone would do it to me. To someone who has surrendered to God so deeply and well, you want them to stop growing and be in despair? I want to swim the Atlantic and get home and pound anyone who dares to throw any part of Holly's life back in her face and use it to question her faith or the Jesus she loves.
And if I am that amped up over a precious friend, how much more is God grieved when we don't completely accept and own and believe and rest and revel in the grace He has poured out on us, on me, His Beloved? Holly referred to Romans 5:1-5, which has some of my favorite verses, because it just amazes me. Verses 1 and 2 in the NIV say:
I wonder if Holly would like The Message version:
Sing loud, Holly; sing REALLY loud.
And I love Chris for the rockin' comment about not knowing or caring what the sins are--he knows her now, as she stands NOW in His grace, and her fellowship is precious. We are precious.
Love you, girl, and love you all.
I am not kidding--I was on Ambien. Which, on a side note, sadly though, seems to be quite similar to Iocane Powder. Apparently, I have spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane Ambien. Phooey.
Anyway, Holly's post, in turn, gave me something to munch on today. How often do I let people hang my long ago past over me in a way that God never, ever would? I was created and redeemed by a God who, when I have repented and turned from my sins, has cast them AWAY, who recalls them no more, who says to me when I bring them up again, "WHAT are you talking about?" But I let people who do not forgive me, or who like to feel slightly superior by bringing up my failures over and again during dinner (as if God was surprised for one moment by them when they happened), determine how I view myself and my relationship with my Father? When I have been repentant and He has restored and renewed me, and I am living in a spirit of longing to be more like Him?
Ummm. Wrong. There are times for confrontation in a community. However, after someone has repented and changed is not one of them.
But here's the coolest part for tonight, here from Germany: it bothers me WAY more that someone would do that to Holly, to someone I love, more than it bothers me that someone would do it to me. To someone who has surrendered to God so deeply and well, you want them to stop growing and be in despair? I want to swim the Atlantic and get home and pound anyone who dares to throw any part of Holly's life back in her face and use it to question her faith or the Jesus she loves.
And if I am that amped up over a precious friend, how much more is God grieved when we don't completely accept and own and believe and rest and revel in the grace He has poured out on us, on me, His Beloved? Holly referred to Romans 5:1-5, which has some of my favorite verses, because it just amazes me. Verses 1 and 2 in the NIV say:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.The "grace in which we now stand." We are in it this moment--the unclean and smudge removed off of us and out of us doesn't come later, when we get to Heaven. We are standing in gorgeous grace, perfectly clean, now.
I wonder if Holly would like The Message version:
By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.Not only are we standing in the wide open space of His grace we long for, but we are standing tall and shouting praise.
Sing loud, Holly; sing REALLY loud.
And I love Chris for the rockin' comment about not knowing or caring what the sins are--he knows her now, as she stands NOW in His grace, and her fellowship is precious. We are precious.
Love you, girl, and love you all.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
mit Liebe aus Deutschland
By the way, I just want to mention that I have soup-started at least five quality, actual content-driven posts in the past month. They are all just sitting in my "Edit Posts" box. Oh well.
So, if you saw my Goodreads update, you know I am reading The Shack. Liann dug it, Beth dug it--good enough for me.
There's a ton I could say about what it's making me think, like reading about how Jesus points out to Mack that he is always planning for an imagined future of troubles and difficulties, and in his plans, God is never there. So all Mack's plans are about the best he can do to cope on his own with a picture that is astoundingly unlikely to be accurate.
Ouch. That smarts where I live.
But tonight I just want to say that I love the parts where one of the Trinity is always telling Mack that it's about Love. The whole God story is about relationship and love. And it's making me realize how often I do these two things:
Could sound a little presumptuous and arrogant, I know. And the next person that I hurt may well bring my nose right back to this blog post. I at least want to say that I tried to let myself live out of God's positive love rather than a negative void.
Hope my theology isn't off the deep end in this. It could be the Ambien talking.
Jesus, cause me to love people well.
So, if you saw my Goodreads update, you know I am reading The Shack. Liann dug it, Beth dug it--good enough for me.
There's a ton I could say about what it's making me think, like reading about how Jesus points out to Mack that he is always planning for an imagined future of troubles and difficulties, and in his plans, God is never there. So all Mack's plans are about the best he can do to cope on his own with a picture that is astoundingly unlikely to be accurate.
Ouch. That smarts where I live.
But tonight I just want to say that I love the parts where one of the Trinity is always telling Mack that it's about Love. The whole God story is about relationship and love. And it's making me realize how often I do these two things:
- Act as if God is outside of me and acting upon me, rather than residing inside of me and asking me to surrender control and let Him act through me.
- Function under all kinds of prayers constantly asking God to stop me from doing things (being too loud, getting carried away and controlling conversations, saying things in a crowd that could hurt someone or that will shame the Lord--notice a "Kathie-Big Mouth" oriented theme here?), rather than asking Him more often to do certain things through me--like love people better, extend more grace, etc.
Could sound a little presumptuous and arrogant, I know. And the next person that I hurt may well bring my nose right back to this blog post. I at least want to say that I tried to let myself live out of God's positive love rather than a negative void.
Hope my theology isn't off the deep end in this. It could be the Ambien talking.
Jesus, cause me to love people well.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!
Meant to do this earlier...
Hurry and rush over to my brother's blog and load his comment section with Happy #35 Birthday wishes! Today, February 4, is the big day.
Dude, can my younger sib seriously be 35 years old?
Very cool, actually!
Love you, Michael, you big hunka nicer-than-me man :) So very, very glad to be your sister.
Hurry and rush over to my brother's blog and load his comment section with Happy #35 Birthday wishes! Today, February 4, is the big day.
Dude, can my younger sib seriously be 35 years old?
Very cool, actually!
Love you, Michael, you big hunka nicer-than-me man :) So very, very glad to be your sister.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Ornery's Wife tagged me for this meme, and since I long to be able to keep up with reading all her posts, but she is so prolific I can only catch them here and there, I thought I could at least do this ONE thing she has ever asked of me. Besides whether or not I knew the Emanakers :)And it's fun to have a little walk down memory lane while it's blowing snow once more outside my door. Need snow? Come to Idaho...
4 Things About MEME
4 Jobs I Have Had
- Busgirl for the Country Store restaurant in Sky Forest
- Secretary for Lee Oskar Harmonicas (Dude, Lee is looking look like he has had some work done since he would stop by my desk and steal my Cheetos. He must know the same people Smokey Robinson knows...)
- High school English & journalism teacher
- Director of Communications for ACES, Inc. (Yep, lots of those pics in the products section are my fault :)
- The Lord of the Rings (all three)
- The Sandlot
- The Philadelphia Story
- The Commitments ("It's a The.")
- Arcadia, CA
- San Diego, CA
- Running Springs, CA
- Boise, ID
- Frasier
- Monk
- The Closer
- House
- Romania
- Kazakhstan
- Kenya
- Italy
- Liann
- Corrina
- Michael the Brother
- My Mumsey
- Oh, Lord, anything chocolate
- Anything Beth cooks...anything
- prime rib
- Alton Brown's Stove Top Mac-n-Cheese
- Playing with my nephews and niece
- Playing Scrabble with Liann
- Drinking wine on Holly's couch
- Mammoth Lakes with my family
- SPRING! (I am tired of being cold up here! Brrr!)
- Hopefully some vacation with my fam
- Having company in my new house
- Maybe someone to smooch?
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