It's Not a Lens; It's a Helmet

People talk about seeing things the way God does, through his lens, not our human one.

I don't need just a Jesus lens. I need a Jesus helmet with full head protection and a Jesus lens on the faceshield.

This morning is an MAF 1/2 Day of Prayer. We spend four hours praying for our ministry and people worldwide. Due to a conference call, I only got in on the last two hours today, but man, what a difference to be that immersed in prayer, surrounded by people praying, knowing out families overseas prayed in their time zones as well.

I went in heavy and with angst, despite intellectual knowledge of God's mighty hand. But my view is still of my life, my cares, through my lens, my receptors, my processing, my perspective. What is God doing about my cares?

Immersion in prayer brought a new lens, and an image of not just a shift in perspective, but a need for more protection, for my head and heart to stay within Him, not watching Him from where I sit to see what He is doing. I came out with His calm and confidence and view. And I want it to stay.

I got a little image in my mind of a new lens at first, then realized I need more. I saw a whole helmet, with the right lens on the front, but protection around my whole head from the enemy and from my own, useless, wallowing thought processes. I don't want my thoughts; I want His. And I am definitely in His thoughts; I don't disappear, but I see me in HIS TRUTH! Not my version of me and my circumstances, but HIS VERSION. HIS STORY! HALLELUJAH!

Hey, Devin...if you get bored, I'd love a drawing of whatever image you are picking up here. I want it pasted to my office wall :)

The Last 40 Minutes Home

Yes, I am home! Yesterday was long but good. I was up at 5 AM, ready with the car packed by 6 AM, and heading to meet a friend for breakfast. We had a really wonderful time together; remember that wonderful can include lots of tears, too. Man, why is good, honest, sharing conversation so good for our hearts?

Two and a half hours later we were red-eyed but lighter in heart for having talked about our walks with God through the past year and even sharing some things from long ago that God is using to minster to us today. Hard but good.

During the chat, part of my sharing was about how many things I wrestled with in my relationship with God during the first seven months of this year. It's a long ol' list of things that I frankly wound up being mad, sometimes angry, about, and not understanding. Lots of hard things happened in the first few months of 2008, and I think there were some lingering questions from 2007.

One of the lingering things was poverty. The poverty I had seen in Uganda. The suffering. The pain. The stench. The filth. The hunger. My tidy theology of suffering and my apologetics training broke down. I felt broken. These were people suffering as a result of extraordinary misery inflicted upon them. It was not laziness, it was not disinterest. They had been striped of any means to rescue a life of decency out of their days, trapped in government camps. They were left impotent.

I came home and talked to missionaries who had spent most of their living and serving in areas of deep poverty. They had seen things just like this. What did they do to cope? How does this picture of the world reside within, or anywhere near, my picture of God and his goodness? From people who had lived on almost every continent, the answer was the same: "We don't know why Jesus said, 'The poor you will always have with you.' But once you're broken, you're broken."

I mentioned this deep poverty to my friend (she's about my folk's age) yesterday morning as one of the things I don't think I had resolved, so it added to my anger and struggle this year. I have more trust in God about it now, but I am still overwhelmed with sorrow at the memories of it. My first walk through an AIDS hospice, touching and praying for the patients. My first walk through an internally displaced persons camp. My first eye-to-eye experience with a rail-thin mother, holding her baby boy, his stomach bloated from malnutrition and lack of food. She talked and told me her story while Tony translated. My first walk near over-filled latrines, the stench invading the camp, that immediately made me stop breathing and walk faster, until I made myself slow down and breathe it in, reminding myself, "This is what humanity smells like. You will not forget that these are people."

As I relayed these images to my friend yesterday morning, she raised her eyebrows slightly. "I wonder what that says about our spiritual poverty." I said I had never heard that before. She said she had never thought it before; it had just come to her. I told her I was really intrigued by the thought, and would chew on it during my 11+ hour drive home.

I asked God about it when I got on the road, "Lord is there something in there you want me to see? Something to know about you? About us?" Quiet.

I checked again in the middle of the drive, thinking He might give me something to think about for the hours ahead. Still quiet.

Forty minutes from home, on the winding curves through a dark Jordan Valley, full moon above giving light to the fields and rocks and walls of the canyon, He sprung it on me. Pierced. I yelped out and cried at the same time. The crying became sobbing, gasping, blubbering. And cries of, "That's me, that's me! Oh my God, that's me!"

To be continued...

Up too late, but...

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I am confident some will find this too trivial to be inspired by the above verse, but it feels apropos tonight. Want to know some lovely things from today?

• Masha and Matthew always know the best restaurants. Last night was Cafe Pro Bono, and an order of Susan's Downfall, which are cheese and herb raviolis with Gorgonzola and toasted almond sauce. Oh...my...goodness. If there had not been bread to mop up the extra sauce, I swear I would have licked the plate clean right there in the middle of this lovely, homey, Italian restaurant. Tonight was dinner at Shiva's, an Indian restaurant, and the loveliest Chicken Tikka Masala I have every tasted. I always eat too much at Indian, Mediterranean and Indonesian places...happy misery.
  
• We had Masha's homemade blini (like crepes) for breakfast this morning. Yes, I do come home 8 pounds heavier after being at their place.
• I got Masha completely hooked on DRY Soda Lavender. She calls it lemonade and whines now when she isn't holding a bottle in her hand.
• She and I took a lovely walk today through Shoreline Park and Lake, and watched a brave squirrel try to stare down a huge Canadian Goose. Hilarious.
• A trip to Trader Joe's for Kathie to sotck up before driving home to Idaho! And since I was driving and not flying, I could buy fun, liquidy things.
• The three of us watched "Young@Heart". Soooo good. Inspiring, funny, touching, cheer-inducing. If you liked "Mad Hot Ballroom" one bit, you have to see this. Even if not, see it. It'll make you love or miss your grandparents in a wonderful, goofy-smile, teary-eyed way.
  

It's not all fun and games, though.

Even as I typed this, Masha brought me some mochi ice cream to try. Apparently her brother-in-law calls it "ice cream with skin". I heartily agree...oh, the shivers of gelatinous goo I tried to keep in my mouth without screaming. My poor mouth...it was trying to find it's way to the yummy ice cream but there is this barrier that bounces like thick pudding skin slinking its way around. Oy.

Now, remember, Masha is also the one who gave me horse milk (3-day fermented mare's milk) to drink in Kazakhstan...she can be dangerous. But the blini always makes me forget this. Darn. I guess I shouldn't feel badly that she was making me laugh and I almost splattered it at her.

There were actually many precious things to think on this past week as I visited with supporters and friends. Just a few more tonight before trying to sleep:

• Sitting at the counter in the Slaters' kitchen, eating just-baked, warm cookies and drinking a cold glass of milk. It's even a sweeter picture since the invite came delivered to me out at the guest room by Maesie, who stood in the doorway in a little apron, half a cookie in each hand, some chocolate on her face, announcing, "The cookies are here, the cookies are ready!" as if this happens in my world every afternoon at this time, and I was missing it!
  
• Visiting friends who live in a cottage behind people who own a rescued donkey. The donkey, "Consuelo" (to protect the innocent), has "adopted" my friends as though they are her pack. The slightest movement from them that she can hear, or the glimpse of one of them, brings the loudest bray I have ever heard, and the most hysterical "hee-haw" noise for at least 20 seconds, slowly diminshing in volume. I loved it! I also loved my friend's delicious lunch and heart-to-heart talk. Good soul food.
  
• Visiting other friends who used to live on the mountain but have moved to Cool, and reminiscing with them about their kids and laughing much. It was a good, long evening of sharing and learning, laughing at ourselves and being grateful for God's never-ending variety of people around the world.
• Sharing with new churches and a home fellowship, and finding unique, humbling, gracious kindred hearts to talk with. You would think I might be used to it by now, but I am always amazed at how God can weave the hearts and stories of people who have just met into something immediately special.
  

It's after midnight. Gotta be up at 5. Got lots to drive. Night, night!

The Big Tired

So, so nappy. It's almost the end of an 11-day support-raising trip. I drive a bit tomorrow to meet a friend and supporter for coffee, then home, home, home to I-dee-ho. It's interesting to me now that when I am tired and ready to come off the road, it's Idaho I want. I think that's good progress after just 2 years ;)

For now, I am terribly well-tended to by friends in Sunnyvale, and should be watching "Young@Heart" soon. It's a documentary/movie about a senior citizen choir that sings rock music. If it's cool, should I buy it for Granny and Bud? I am pretty sure that my motorcycle ridin' grandparents should be able to rock out!

Anyway, please pray for my drive home tomorrow. This trip has been so full and busy (numerous MAF presentations and meetings/meals), and very blessed, but I am tired and I can't always turn my brain off at night, especially any night before I fly or drive, so I fully expect to be a bit short of sleep. I will leave at 6 AM to meet my friend, then I should be back on the road by about 8:30 AM, with 11 hours or so of driving to get home, sweet home. I appreciate any prayers!

And I highly recommend the Slater Residence for anyone passing through there. Sarah is a scrupmtious cook, Chris is an excellent barrista, their kids make me laugh and smile lots, there is always something interesting going on, and they are exceptionally kind and generous hosts. Blessings on the lot of you, Slaters, including new Knightley, who makes two things: lots of slobber and Sarah giggle. I would have had to being him home, too, once I saw her smile as she played with him :)

From One Extreme to The Other

Ah, the struggle of the right identity. At least I am settled for the moment that though I think this will be a battle for the long haul while I am here on Earth, I am no longer kicking myself in the head (or any other body part) when the struggle appears. In some moments, I feel so wonderfully overwhelmed with the security of who and what I am in Christ, and a nearness that is fantastic. Exhibit A from this week: I present two pieces of an email exchange with Mr. Tony, who is back in Africa, plugging away at bringing ministry training to people in the remotest areas of Uganda and Sudan. Our snippets below.

Part of an email from Kathie to Tony:

"Thanks, too, for all the kindness and care you have shown me since we met in Janaury 2007. As I navigate this year, God is unfolding a new closeness with him that I appreciate so much. I know that in many ways, meeting you and our life experience together has caused me to see God in ways that are so much more personal and real than I have experienced before. I am so blessed by the Father and by having had you in my life in a special way to open my heart to more and more of Him. Thank you for sharing your heart and yourself--you made an impact in my life and my relationship with the Father that I never would have expected."

Part of Tony's email back:

"I have also learned a lot by the way from you. God showed me how much He cares for me regardless of who and what I am through you! He taught me how to open my heart and my hands widely for those who need His touch and care. You never left me the same my dear! You can't even comprehend enough what the Lord has done to me through you in the course of our relationship. I will live to respect you and be very grateful to you and to God that I found you and it wasn't coincident. It seems the Lord had seen something beyond the relationship and He wanted to use our relationship to draw both of us much closer to Himself! You are such a blessed and wonderful creature God has ever made on planet earth! It is my prayer the He accomplishes all that He has designed you for as you serve Him in this mortal world.

May His face shine upon you and bless you and protect you all the days of your life! May he fight your enemies and be close to you even at the moment you may feel lonely. May He make you a blessing and you shall be called the blessed one!"

Seriously--does it get much better than that? Being able to look back after dreams have been shifted and hearts have been bared and new realities have been faced? To see God's deep care in all of that was so sweet this week. It was a reminder that one of the most extraordinary things to come out of the last 18 months for me has been the acknowledgment and acceptance of being cherished by God just as I am. Between friends and family who have been telling me and praying for me for years about this issue, and Tony's stunning patience with waiting for me to believe how he felt about me just as I was, sunlight broke through. The window certainly gets dusty, mind you, but sunlight is in, and it's joy, joy, joy.

Then, at moments, the other voice kicks in. The stupid, worried one that suddenly did care, after weeks of not, that I am going to my 20-year reunion quite chubby. I am not worried about the friends who have been in my inner circle for the entire 20 years since graduation; I woke up Saturday morning suddenly very concerned about what the people who have not seen me for 10 years, and will not see me for at least 10 more, will think. What is that? Even as recently as Friday afternoon I was actually looking forward to going, and perhaps just having one really nice conversation, and seeing what God might be up to in some people's lives. That would be cool. What happened overnight?

In my heart, I really want to be someone who loves people well, no matter how long or little I have known them or how often I see them. I want to be less and less aware of me, and more aware of others, hearing their hearts and listening as best I can. I was looking forward to some good listening at the reunion, with as little self-awareness as possible. I think I have that perspective back today, as I remember one on my new favorite verses from The Message:

Romans 2:9-11 (emphasis mine)

If you go against the grain, you get splinters, regardless of which neighborhood you're from, what your parents taught you, what schools you attended. But if you embrace the way God does things, there are wonderful payoffs, again without regard to where you are from or how you were brought up. Being a Jew won't give you an automatic stamp of approval. God pays no attention to what others say (or what you think) about you. He makes up his own mind.

Hooray! Just gotta remember where my love comes from and who the real judge is. And it turns out He already thinks I was lovely enough to rescue :)

Another "Because He said so."

Warning: This is a long one. Flee now if you don’t have a good cup of coffee with you…

Another "Because He said so." As in, "Because God said to put it out there." And when I told a friend about this Saturday night, he said, "Have you written that down somewhere?" Umm, no.

That might not be entirely true. I do write snippets of posts on my church bulletins on Sunday mornings quite regularly. I just rarely seem to get around to actually posting. Anyway...

One of the byproducts of last year's excursion into courtship with Tony was having to confront the question of whether I wanted to be married or not. My last significant relationship ended in May 1993. It had been a quiet 14 years until January 2007, which was pretty much okay with me. I had a standard answer for people who queried me about marriage: "If it happens, it happens; if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Whatever happens is fine." And, contrary to what a few of my dearest friends believe, I meant it; I didn’t want to go plunging into something God did not intend for me, or avoid something that God did intend. I wanted him to be the arranger and orchestrator of my life in all aspects.

Now, what is true, is that I never actually pondered the question myself in recent years about my own preferences in this matter. If you had asked me in my teens or most of my twenties about whether or not I would be married, I think I just kind of assumed I would be. But, in my mid twenties, I encountered a few women a little older than me who were not married. And some of them were really angry with God about it. I mean, ticked. Mad enough that it scared me. It made me consider that I didn’t ever want to come to a place in my life where I was so discontented with what God had given me that I would rage at Him. So, in conjunction with a prayer to always be content where God had me, I think I also made my own quiet, very determined conviction to never be discontent with my circumstances. That might not be so bad, but as we know about the Sluss, of course, my personality took that conviction to the extreme.

The marriage "thing", or lack thereof, became part of my life conviction to never be unhappy, to never be dissatisfied, with anything I had or did not have. See the nice, subtle shift here? I am no longer looking to God to cause my peace and contentedness…I have decided to make my own way. This included coming to the extreme of not even being able to express preferences to God about anything. I figured if He knew what was best, He would make whatever that was happen. I applied this "whatever you want, God, and I don’t need to pipe up in here" approach to all things in my life (which was part of the struggle of the move to Idaho and coming to grips with the grief in the departure…and winding up sobbing uncontrollably under bed sheets…but that’s another story), so the same was true in regards to relationship or marriage. Nothing was coming down the pike, so there was no need to think about or address the issue, I figured. Sure, there were moments each fall and spring where I would get a little dreamy-eyed and think it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with, but I happily wrote it off to some sort of seasonal ailment :)

It felt so easy to not think about it, though. In December of 2006, I even got to use, just once, the perfect response to someone who started to ask me about being married. Sweet thing, she looked at me after an evening of several couples and me enjoying dinner, and most were gone home, and said, "Can I ask you a question? It’s probably none of my business, but…" I smiled at her and said, "Oh, wait, wait. Is this the moment where you say that I am so wonderful you just can’t believe no one has swept me up and married me yet?" She smiled and stared at me, mouth slightly agape, "Uh, yes!" And with full sincerity, I said, "Thank you so much for thinking so well of me. I am honestly flattered that you think I would be a catch for someone and could bring joy to someone’s life. But let me reassure you, I am okay. Whatever happens, happens. God knows best. If you feel led to pray about this, that’s totally fine, but truly, I am good with things either way."

Then one silly month later, there I was, realizing that I had thought plenty about what if it didn’t happen. But, not really at all about what if it did.

So, I wrestle with God about a new approach to talking with Him, about having opinions and preferences, and all kinds of good and hard stuff over 2007. And one of the realizations I come to is that, indeed, I do think I would like to be married. Look, I even admitted it out loud right here.

As we all know, the courtship ride closed in December, and I have no doubt whatsoever that we listened well to the Father and made the right decision. So, no remorse, praise Jesus. But, what did get left with me was that "thing" I had to admit. Lord, I think I want to be married.

Embedded in some of my attitude for the past several months has been, "Well, great, Lord. Now what do I do with that thing? It was a non-issue before, now it’s out here, there is nothing on the horizon, it was quiet for 14 years prior to the anomaly of 2007, I want to shut this longing down without shutting down what I learned, but what the heck do I DO with this?" Slightly cheesed off Sluss, as you can see ;)

The beginning of this year brought many, many things to wrestle through, and this desire was one. Another series of events and people, including a "wake up and smell the reality" lecturette from my very insightful chiropractor, and a friend telling me, "There is wonderful freedom in being discontent before the Lord," (WHAT? HUH?) led me to three days of personal retreat in Cascade, Idaho, in July. It was a terrific, quiet time, with God talking with me in very sweet, unexpected ways.

One of the realizations He drew me to was that, in yet another machination of Kathie’s 3rd Commandment, I decided somewhere along the line that I shouldn’t need much of anything from God. Of course, I needed him to send Jesus to rescue me; I readily admit I can’t arrange my own salvation. No problem. But, I got into my head at some point, that if I were really allowing God to be in charge of my life, if I were really submitted, I wouldn’t need to ask for anything else. Insane, I know. But it’s just something that got twisted in me, and I didn’t even know it was what I believed. While in Cascade I wrote in my journal, "…not only do I want to fix all my own problems, I want to fix everyone else’s problem’s, too. Which makes for poor relationship. And, probably, certainly not intimate relationship. I want to be needed. Others need to be needed. I am killing myself trying to live like I don’t need God. He was generous and good enough to save me, thanks so much. I appreciate it. But now, I shouldn’t need anything—and I am furious when I do. Makes for horrible, dishonest relationship. I’ll let Him save me, but not love me, not be needed, not be anything but pleased not to be bothered by me."

Want to hear God’s great response to that?

Romans 3:23-28 (The Message, emphasis mine)

Since we've compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we're in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.

God sacrificed Jesus on the altar of the world to clear that world of sin. Having faith in him sets us in the clear. God decided on this course of action in full view of the public—to set the world in the clear with himself through the sacrifice of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured. This is not only clear, but it's now—this is current history! God sets things right. He also makes it possible for us to live in his rightness.

So where does that leave our proud Jewish insider claims and counter-claims? Canceled? Yes, canceled. What we've learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We've finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.

I just giggled when I got to the end. It was such great news. He is about relationship here and now, not just an agreement for salvation. I am to let Him set the pace? I don’t run the parade? Tee hee hee! I just cracked up, it was so obviously me. And He so obviously doesn’t need to me to be a drum major. I called Liann to tell her about it and I was laughing away. She pointed out that I tend to giggle when God shows me truth; she thinks it’s because, deep down, I so grateful to find out I am not in charge :)

After all that, I had to admit that do not like living alone. I am selfish, and I don’t really want another roommate because I want the house to be available for my family and friends whenever they want it (Liann was a crazy exception to the general roommate--she actually likes my family). So, that leaves me here with…me. And it’s just not my favorite. There, I said it.

I asked, "God, please show me how to live alone, how to live with You. You and I reside in the house you brought me; please show me how to share it with you in a way that I am not lonely. Don’t just take away the loneliness…please fill it in a new way with You. You promise to be all things; please be someone I can talk to and share with in deep ways in my house. I need to understand how to live with You."

And God has been steadily answering that, increasing my awareness of His presence in amazing, precious new ways. Including some truth and a smooch on the cheek when I woke up berating myself about something in the middle of the night on Thursday. You may think I am nuts, but I kid you not.

So, this Saturday morning, I got out of bed and rolled out to the kitchen. The house looked great, the backyard was hopping with birdies, and the weather was perfect so I opened the doors and windows. Standing in my jammies, I started to fill the coffee carafe with water from the dispenser in the refrigerator. While it filled, I leaned my head against the freezer door and thought, "Man, it would be so nice to have someone to share this coffee and birdies and nice house with. It’s not as great when it’s just me. Something’s missing." My next thought immediately leapt to asking God to take that desire away so it wouldn’t be a distraction from all the blessing I was clearly swimming in. Instead, what came was, "God, you’re here. We live here. I am not alone—what do You think of this morning?" The peace and joy that came was terrific. It wasn’t a bandage; it was His presence, so personal and happy to be here with me. And He likes the birdies and coffee and gorgeous mornings, and He likes enjoying it all from my couch :)

There, friend. I wrote it down!

Olympic Inactivity

I am so sore this week. Know why? I watched the Olympics for 17 days straight. Plus two plane flights in there so I could watch in both Idaho and California.

Lots of snacks + lots of couch-sitting + watching other people be very active = very achy body

The chiropractor is so not going to be impressed.

I am helping a friend move on Friday night. I hope to avoid a repeat of my last "helpin' a friend move" experience, but we'll see! What if my ego just takes over again?

Oh, oh, oh...I never finished my review of the chocolates Beth gave me! As Poncho (the "N" nephew) would say, "Well, Aunt Kathie, let me tell you something..."

The Green & Black's Bittersweet Ginger is nice, but I don't know how I feel about ginger and chocolate together. Ginger in Thai food, cookies, yes. This bar wasn't bad, but I think I just really dug the others. The BruCo Dark Chocolate Orange Cinnamon was a nice idea, but was quite waxy, pilly--NOT how lovely chocolate should be.

That Vosges Naga Bar, on the other hand, wound up being my total favorite. Interesting things happened with it. I gave some to my British boss, who loves curry. He was polite, but you could tell he found the curry/coconut/chocolate thing a bit odd. Then I gave some to a coworker, a guy in his early twenties who I adore, but who I was sure would not have an appreciative palate for much beyond what most teens and twenties guys eat--you know, Coke, burgers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I offered him a piece mostly because he was in the same room with me and it just felt rude not to. He took a piece, popped it in his mouth and dropped his head back to his laptop screen. About three seconds later, he lifted his head up and looked at me across the table, eyes wide. "What is that? That's AWESOME!"

And for me? I have to tell you, when I got to the end of the bar, I actually started to have a full-fledged, adrenaline-laden anxiety attack. I started banging on Google looking for anywhere in Idaho that sells Vosges. It's the closest thing I have ever experienced to what I imagine it's like to run out of crack. There is nowhere in this silly state to buy that chocolate! I started checking locations in California..."Ooo...Paul and Cindy live close to a place...maybe if I call them...ah...Vegas! Yeah! The Shops at The Forum! When can I get there?"

I love Idaho. But it is missing Trader Joe's, Nordstrom, In 'n' Out, and Vosges Haut Chocolate. I need to really check out who I am voting for this year. Who can fix this?